Alter Everything

An Invocation for Beginnings

The owls and the possums know me by heart. 

As the sun sleeps, we mingle

over Earl Gray, 

an occasional ice pack, 

and assorted bits of cat food, laced with white, organic tortilla chips.



I wait for their coming like a
 poppy for sun: 

Face up, 

eyes pressed to the window,

smiling.



“Pick up your pencil!”

They urge--
cutting through two-years of resignation.
 


“Find the paper.

Draw.” 



“I cannot d-r-a-w,”
I explain.


“My pencil's worn.
My sharpener broken.”



“Then you must claw,

or scrape,

or find new tools,”

they declare.



“Because the world
is waiting
for your mark.”



__________________________________________

In the words of Ze Frank,
here's to anyone s-t-u-c-k between zero and one.

↓

--PSSST....View with care. This video, though AMAZING, uses colorful language.--



Happy NEW Year!!!

Day 289: It Is What It Is

Source


There's a bad bone
at home
in my body.
Mercilessly, it roots.
Hanging on
to skin and flesh.
Daring me...
yank it out.
Taunting me,
 pull it up
through the surface.

It seems obvious
it needs to go.
Still, others argue,
It belongs.
It's necessary.
It's not a problem.

I know these words are false.

I am the one
who feels it,
who notices
the impale,
who works
against the rubbing.

It strikes,
slowly...
from the inside.
Weaving, wiggling, wondering...
where
can
it
go
next?

Altered Today:  Everything I've been avoiding.

Days 269-271: All That's Left

My SoulCollage Card--Go Fish

I am the one grasping at straws.
Holding on to the ugliness
because the ugliness needs holding.
I've got this, but I don't like this.
It's all that's left.
It's all I can do.
Beaten,
not broken.
I stay covered
Because I have to.
Mind the snarl of my lip.
Note the look in my eye.
I
Will
Be
Back.

-Kathy Tagudin

Oprah Winfrey said it best: the Universe speaks in whispers. In her words "a whisper in your life usually feels like 'hmm, that's odd.' Or, 'hmm, that doesn't make any sense.' Or, 'hmm, is that right?' It's that subtle."  Then, if you don't get the message, it comes barreling at you like a freight train. Get the point or get run over; that's the way the story goes.

My beach trip was good, but emotional. On the one hand, it was great to get away and spend time with friends. On the other, it stirred up sadness and vulnerability (stuff stored DEEP in dark corners...it's had me speechless for days).

It started with a conversation with my friend Deb. There's no hiding with her...no casually saying 'I'm fine' or 'everything's ok.'

"How ARE you?" she asked, after I joked about passing another bunch of worms. Then, quietly, she looked deep into my eyes: "Does that scare you?"

For an hour, she pulled out all of the things weighing on my heart:  How it's been a year, how exhausted I am, how I miss knowing what day it is, how desperate I feel, how mostly it seems I'm completely and utterly alone.

For a minute, I just died in her arms.

"I'll protect you from Boogeymen," I promised.
"And I will keep you safe from monsters under the bed," she answered.

To be understood by someone--especially by someone without Lyme--is such a gift.  Each word soothed an ache in my soul. I SO needed to be nurtured. I SO needed to be loved. I didn't know how much I needed it until I returned home...

The last several days have been cold, distant, sad, and revealing.  Despite kind blog posts or positive intentions, Angel and I are once again living in separate worlds.  In his, he's tired of Lyme...tired of complaining...and wants a "normal" life.  In mine, I want the same--a tough position to be in when you're constantly feeling horrible.

I don't know what this latest divide means for our marriage. Perhaps, it's a passing phase. Possibly, it's the byproduct of toxic medication. It could be fatigue, insensitivity, or grieving. Maybe, it's a whisper...just struggling to be heard.

Whatever the case, I am listening.  One freight train's enough. I can't stand one more.

Altered Today: Reevaluating the light at the end of the tunnel

Day 85: Put A Bird On It

As an artist, I often struggle with how to "create" things.  What belongs there?  Does this go with that?  Is this the right direction?  Sometimes, the choices are so overwhelming, even I don't know where to start.

Well...thank God for Portlandia...a cute sketch comedy show with the solution to my creative worries. 

OMG.  Why didn't I think of that?  (Oh wait, maybe I have).

Altered CD Jacket Journal by Kathy Tagudin

OK, no problem.  At least my bird ideas are distinct amongst all of the other bird ideas.

 

Or....maybe not.

But at least I'm taking the time to be creative and put stuff out there.
This is true. This is arguably true.

So, if you've got something to express, but don't know where to begin...put a bird on it.  I DARE YOU!  If for no other reason than just because you can.

Flippin the Bird T-Shirt by chillin penguin designs

Altered Today: Giving a Flip, Flipping the Bird, More Silly Bird Artwork, Bird on a ?????, Daring YOU to create something.

Day 68: Creative Word Therapy

Ok. Maybe I am behind the times, but have you seen this website that allows you to alter words into works of art? 

If not, it's called Wordle and it's just amazing.  In a nutshell, the program creates word clouds of from lists of words.  Below are two of my creations.  The first was created using a link to my blog feed. The second was created from the list I made in my previous post "20 Reasons You Might Want to Be Me."

 My Blog at a Glance, by Kathy Tagudin www.AlterEverything.com

  20 Reasons You Might Want to Be Me, by Kathy Tagudin www.AlterEverything.com

 

OMG: This is so addictive.  You could use it for goal setting, to celebrate someone special, to journal, virtually anything.  Make your own Worlde and send it on over.  Can't wait to see what you create.

Altered Today: Creativity, Playing with Thoughts, Perspective.

Day 62: Catalyst One Hundred and Twenty-Seven

Stumbled across this great website today called Creative Therapy. The concept is beautiful.  Each week features a challenge to have you look at an aspect of your life and express it in art (mixed medium, scrapbooking, writing, whatever). 



Some examples include:

Catalyst One Hundred and Two – Kara Haupt – What was the worst thing you ever did?
Catalyst Ninety-Seven – Dina Wakley – When in life have you felt most alone?

Catalyst Ninety-Five – Cheryl Ametewee – What’s something you struggle with?
Catalyst Eighty-Two – Susan Tuttle – What’s your superpower?
Catalyst Seven – Rhonna Farrer – What makes you, you?

This week Catalyst One Hundred and Twenty-Seven is one of my favorites. 
What’s your word or focus for 2011?

I hadn't intentionally created a theme for my life this year, but the more I blog, the more I focus on my health, the more I obsess, one has naturally emerged.

Let Go by Kathy Tagudin

Let go of what no longer serves me. Let go of having to figure it out.  Let go of worrying.  Let go of stress. Let go of disease.  Let go of weight.  Let go of the past.  Let go of having to know.  Let go of expectations.  Let go of fear. Let go of unhappiness. Let go of doing it myself. Let go of procrastination. Let go of hiding.  Let go of what ifs, could haves, and should haves.  Let go of restlessness.  Let go of grudges.  Let go of negative habits and attachments. Let go of who I think I am.  Let go of what's familiar.

What's your theme for 2011?

Altered Today: Theme for the year, Intention for the future

Day 61: Lights, Camera...

Me and My New Ukulele.  One of the opening pics in my new video.

Back when I worked in PR, I was on tv quite a bit. I did talk show interviews, telethons, short news segments...and a few other things I'm sure I've forgotten. 

It was loads of fun--especially since the cause was important.  I'd show up, answer a few questions, flirt with the camera crew, and be on my way.  I loved the challenge of thinking on my feet and was thrilled to get paid for merely talking (something I got in trouble for a lot in high school).

Today, I relived some of that joy, as I started recording an instructional video teaching others how to make altered book journals. 

The opportunity came as a surprise via an email I received from Chicago. 

"Saw your books on Etsy....love your stuff!  Would love to have someone teach me how to do this, but I have not been able to find anyone," the note said.

Thrilled to help, I offered to make a how to video...which has now spilled into other things...including me becoming a producer, director, and video editor.

While I don't think I'll be winning an Oscar anytime soon, I've often thought about making videos that highlight the things I love: SoulCollage, Creativity Seminars, Silly Songs, and Life Coaching. 

Who knows?  Maybe this is the start of a new adventure.

Altered Today: Skill with a Video Camera and Editing Software, Action on an Idea

Day 47: Ugly Pretty

  If you've ever watched America's Next Top Model, no doubt you've heard of the phrase "Ugly Pretty."  Although I don't have a formal definition, think Ugly Dog Contest where a pooch is so pathetic it's adorable.  Or, if you don't like that example, think of anything that challenges the notion of conventional beauty.

In art, Ugly Pretty is everywhere (one man's graffiti is another man's eyesore). Yet, even though I know this, I always feel a certain amount of pressure to say, draw, write, or create the "right thing," regardless of the project.

Funny thing is...I LOVE Ugly Pretty.  I love three legged dogs, and messy people, and dolls with cracks, and big noses, and creepy clowns.  I LOVE things with scars, and with stories, and with history. I LOVE them because they have lived--not some "frou-frou" life--but a real life full of courage and character.

So, as I stressed about what to put in my art journal this week, I had an epiphany.  Rather than try to be perfect and create the "right thing," why not be messy and ugly and see what's there?  Yes. I gave myself permission to create UGLY artwork 
(final result to the left). 

I'm not sure if this counts as ugly pretty or just plain ugly, but it's my expression and I had a heck of a lot of fun making it (c'mon, you know you want to do this). I got so inspired, I even put together a collection of my favorite Ugly Pretty Finds on Etsy.  Hope you'll enjoy looking at them as much as I did.  They are the cutest/ugly things I ever did see.

Altered Today: Stress about what to create, fun with ugly stuff, Etsy showcase.

Day 33: Share Yourself Already

Let Go: Altered Book Journal by Kathy Tagudin

What are you in the closet about?  Your love of frogs?  Your secret bottle cap collection?  A crush?  Although I like to think I am an open book, I've been hiding a few things in my life...namely my love of singing and my love of crafting and artwork.

For years, I've kept songbooks in a drawer and paintings in a closet.  "These aren't good enough to share," I thought.  "I like them, but who would ever want to hear/see these?"

Well, as it turns out, some people do want to see them and hear them.  A few have even been kind enough to feature my items on line or add them to their virtual favorites gallery.  "Great journal," a customer emailed me today.  "Gave it as a gift and they LOVED it."

Touched by the response, it has  encouraged me to branch out even further and add a few more personal items to my on line Etsy store.  Although I am just starting out, it brings me great joy to know I can make something with my bare hands and get paid for it. 

So, what about you? Come out, come out, wherever you are.  The world is waiting and so am I.

Altered Today: Sharing my soul, using my talents

Day 32: Let Go...

Even when I am not trying, I usually spend my time trying to accomplish something.  A stroll around the store, turns into a strategy session about marketing.  An enjoyable book gets put down so I can research the author.  And on and on. 

I can't remember the last time I completely lost myself and did something for the pure enjoyment of it. Even my art journal, which I send weekly to my girlfriend, usually turns into something on a to do list (or it did until today).

Today, I put aside all of the to do's, all of the have to's, all of the worries, and just allowed myself to play.  For the first time, I took an on line art course and got COMPLETELY mesmerized by the process.  I learned new background techniques, experimented with water soluble colored crayons, shut myself in my studio, and just let go.  The course was about giving voice to our inner critic and seeing what their positive intent is for our lives (a process I really love in the SoulCollage courses I teach).  The result? A beautiful new face I have never drawn before and a message I needed to hear.  "You Have Everything You Need," the final piece said.  "Let go."

Altered Today: The Need to Get Somewhere