Alter Everything

An Invocation for Beginnings

The owls and the possums know me by heart. 

As the sun sleeps, we mingle

over Earl Gray, 

an occasional ice pack, 

and assorted bits of cat food, laced with white, organic tortilla chips.



I wait for their coming like a
 poppy for sun: 

Face up, 

eyes pressed to the window,

smiling.



“Pick up your pencil!”

They urge--
cutting through two-years of resignation.
 


“Find the paper.

Draw.” 



“I cannot d-r-a-w,”
I explain.


“My pencil's worn.
My sharpener broken.”



“Then you must claw,

or scrape,

or find new tools,”

they declare.



“Because the world
is waiting
for your mark.”



__________________________________________

In the words of Ze Frank,
here's to anyone s-t-u-c-k between zero and one.

↓

--PSSST....View with care. This video, though AMAZING, uses colorful language.--



Happy NEW Year!!!

What's Right with the World

"A small light brightens a dark space." --Unknown

Lately, I can't help but notice all of the energy being directed at what's wrong with the world. A dog being choked by its owner, a political conspiracy, another death--unspeakable things darken my news feeds. 

It leaves me breathless.  It leaves me groping in midnight for the tiniest spark, which, depending on the day, may light the way, or burn down the whole effing building with everyone in it.

Unknowingly, I've been a part of THIS.

I've been a part of the world that roots for no possibility.

I didn't do it intentionally.

I did it because I got caught up....in the strain of the moment...in the feeling that THIS is not right...in the belief that THIS--whatever THIS is--MUST be acknowledged.  Otherwise, my life, my pain, or my experience somehow will not matter.

THIS has consumed me. 
THIS has also made me irresponsible.

For nearly two years, I've felt THIS so deeply, that the thought of NOT feeling THIS and NOT discussing THIS has become unfathomable. 

"How can I express me, without expressing THIS?" I've questioned....day after day after day.

"You can, if you choose to." My heart finally answered.

So, there it is, after four-months of silence, finally, something to say:

• My dizziness has subsided
• I've stopped convulsing in bed
• I do not have uterine cancer
• I'm showering WAY more often and, occassionally, even fixing my hair

Other things have happened, but I choose to focus on THIS.

And...
just for the moment...
I am part
of the solution.

Happy Thanksgiving.


What inspired THIS?

Fiona Apple's Words of Wisdom (scroll down to read the content)

Potato Chip Dealers and Stolen Kisses

The Movie You Should Buy If You Think the Best Days of Your Life are Behind You

Which led to re-watching THESE...

The Father Running for His Son

Free Hugs

Day 428: Thanks....For Everything

Do you hate me?
Thank you.

Have a new disease/infection/pain for my body?
Thanks again.

Doubt I'm sick?
Muchos Gracias.

Challenge me to my very core?
I am grateful.

YOU are my teacher.
YOU are making me strong.
YOU are causing me to appreciate.

Your lessons are my presents.
How I use them is my gift to the world.

A sacred illness is one that educates us and alters us from the inside out,
provides experiences and therefore knowledge that we could not possibly achieve in any other way,
and aligns us with a life path that is, ultimately, of benefit to ourselves and those around us.
~ Deena Metzge

The Toe In The Day: Mark Nepo's Take On Pain & Chronic Illness

Source

Imagine, you're outside walking down the sidewalk. 
The sun is shining. 
The birds are singing. 
The air is fresh. 
And YOU are completely aware life is a gift and a miracle to be treasured.

Then, suddenly, without warning, you stub your toe
...not a small stub either. 
A BIG stub...
like your toe is broken.

You no longer appreciate the sun
or the breeze
or the beauty.
You know they're there,
but the toe gets all of your attention (as it should).
But, for how long?
That's the question.

That is my summation of how Mark Nepo describes life with chronic pain/illness.  As a cancer survivor, Mark reflects on his journey in The Book of Awakening which was recently featured on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday. He also recently suffered from a mysterious stomach illness that had him reeling in agony from even the smallest bite of food.
 
According to Mark:

Each of us are ancient flutes made out bones.
Our holes, hollowed out by pain, create beautiful music.
Still, being hollowed out is never fun in the process.

"Were you afraid to die?" asked Oprah.
"I was afraid to live." replied Mark.
 
Fear is all consuming with chronic illness...he reminds.

We're afraid of the past...going back to the hospital, being bedridden again, re-visiting old symptoms.
We're afraid of the present...having an "attack," not being able to handle an "attack," being misunderstood, being judged, doing too much, not doing enough.
We're afraid of the future...What's going to happen to us? Is there an end to the suffering? Will life ever be somewhat normal again?
 
Yes. That sums it up exactly.

How do you overcome/alter that experience?

I'll let Mark speak for himself on that one (well worth the few minutes to watch). In the meantime, I hope this helps your pain becomes a little more "right-sized."

I know it did mine.

XOXOXO

Day 359: Tell Me What You Love About Your Life

I'll admit it. I've hardly had any good news lately. If it's not thrush, it's my shoulder. If it's not my shoulder, it's my neck. If it's not me, it's my family. If it's not one miserable procedure, it's another.

Justified or not, I'm beginning to feel/sound a lot like Eeyore.

"No gaiety, no song and dance, no "Here We Go 'Round the Mulberry Bush."

"Oh, joy..."

Here's me taking a stab at "elevating the conversation" (and my mood) by answering one targeted question:
What do I love about my life?

Feel free to play along.

I love that my cat won't rest until she snuggles up on my leg, chair, or chest.
I love that my dog Betsy follows me everywhere.
I love that I live one minute from Whole Foods, a movie theater, and the gym.
I love my Acupuncturist, my LLMD, my Massage Therapist, and my Chiropractor.
I love that Angel can stay home and make money.
I love singing in the bathtub/car/shower and making up songs while driving.
I love watching movies.
I love my friends--many of whom I never would have met without illness.
I love my handicap parking pass...not that I need it, but that I can use it.
I love being able to go to Disney any time I want to.
I love Deland Bakery Yeast-Free Millet Bread.
I love my family and how willing they are to support me.
I love Angel's sense of humor and how he appreciates animals...even tiny, inconsequential ones.
I love watching the Occupy movement unfold and seeing people stand up for what they believe in.
I love magazines and lazing the day away with a good cup of hot tea.
I love folk music and, to my surprise, Lady GaGa. Did you see that Thanksgiving special?  Man is she talented.
I love when Finster (my very large, very bad, white cat) spreads out his toes to chew his toenails.
I love my random folk art collection.
I love my La-Z-Boy(s).
I love witty, satirical, crass blogs that make me laugh til I cry.
I love the ceilings in my bedroom and living room.
I love listening to A Prairie Home Companion and This American Life.
I love that, since getting sick, I've been able to help a lot of people figure out what's wrong with them.
I love vintage books and using them to make vintage book journals.
I love what UNDAs have done for my brain fog.
I love that I'm able to walk longer and breathe a lot better lately...no cane, no wheel chair necessary.
I love my Favorite Lyme Nurse, Santa Maria, and doc's former Trusty Sidekick.
I love this meditation.
I love thinking about what I love about my life and that I'm still willing to do it (hey, I'm still in here somewhere).

Happy Black Friday!

Altered Today: Focus. No need to be black and blue. Right?

Days 348 and 349: When The Life You Get Is Not The Life You Planned

It's hard to believe it's been almost a year since Congresswoman Gabby Giffords was shot outside a Safeway store in Tuscon, Arizona. I remember it clearly. One moment, I was in a car arguing with a friend to stop procrastinating about purchasing eye glasses. The next, I was witnessing the aftermath of an apparent massacre: 20 injured, 6 dead, 1 recovering.

Choking back tears, my mind raced to similar man-made disasters: the school shootings at Columbine, September 11th, the drunk driving death of my girlfriend Shana when I was 18...

So sad and seemingly pointless.

When bad stuff happens to good people, I die a little.  Little bits of me float to heaven on exasperated tears...

Fix this.
Stop this.
Do something.

The coach inside me knows it's not what happens to you, but what you create from it that matters.

The impacted part of me grieves for motherless children, empty dining room chairs, and damaged souls who live to inflict pain on others.

Last night, as I watched Gabby Giffords and Mark Kelly's interview with Diane Sawyer, I couldn't help but reflect on my own journey...dealing with Chronic Lyme Disease and trying to make sense of the nonsensical.

It's been a rough 16 months, full of setbacks, and baby steps. This time last year, I questioned my sanity, while desperately searching for something, somebody, anybody to make it different, better, or bearable.

Now, disease is present, pain is present, but there's peace in the process...

I am where I am.
I'm not where I'm not.
All there is to do today is what there is to do today...even when the "to do" is to get out of bed, wash my hair, or get a colonoscopy.

I am proud of myself. I'm proud of the person I am becoming and proud of all of the people who--literally or metaphorically--take a shot to the head and keep on fighting.

Life is messy.
WE are messy.
We are also strong, capable, amazing individuals with a profound ability to make a difference in this world...regardless of our circumstances. 

Perhaps Edward Everett Hale said it best when he said: I am only one, but I am one.  I cannot do everything, but I can do something.  And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do. 

Whether that something is tying your shoes, speaking a sentence, or writing a blog post, as Gabby Giffords reminds us, do it with passion, love, and courage.  

After all, you never know who might be watching.

Altered Today: Heroes, Pride, Appreciation

Day 347: It Will If I Say So

One of the things I've been thinking about a lot lately is lessons.  I'm not sure I believe in Karma or Fate, but I do believe there's something to be learned from every experience in life...particularly illness.

I've never considered myself very patient.
Can Lyme teach me grace?

I've always been a worrier.
Will illness teach me to let go?

I've always needed to control things.
Will pain teach me control's an illusion?

Each day, as I rip away at the fiber of who I think I am, a new me stares back...
similar, but different.

It's been said there are no accidents in life. When the student is ready the teacher will appear.
Why not let this moment be THE moment...the one that alters everything?

Altered Today: Remembering I am the one

Day 321: Drink Me

Thinking today
about a little potion
one could drink
to make everything better.

The cure...
for life,
love,
illness,
bad bosses,
poverty,
loneliness,
and upset.

I'm not sure what
it would contain.
Smiles?
Hope?
A smidgen of luck?

Gratitude.
Must add gratitude.

Off to make a batch
and take a swig.

Altered Today: The Recipe for Healing

Day 317: No Arms, No Legs, No Worries

Altered Today: Perspective, Heroes

Day 316: You Matter...a reminder for you and me

Source


Today I am writing with a simple message:
S-T-O-P!
Stop feeling unimportant. 
Stop thinking you can’t make a difference. 
Stop thinking you have to perfect to be  __________, be successful, or be happy. 
You are so incredibly precious .
And there is only one you that can be the difference you are for the world. 
Just for today, give yourself the gift of remembering...
you are not-a-thing...
you are nothing,
and everything.
You get to say how it goes.

“She tapped her finger and nothing happened and she thought she had lost her magic, but it had only changed and it took her awhile to figure it out.” --Brian Andreas