"When I grow up, I want unreliable legs, painful hips, and stiff knees/feet so I can get preferred lot placement."
I cried when it came in the mail today; not because I was happy or excited, but because of the date at the bottom...2014. Holy Crap. Please tell me I won't be feeling like this three years from now.
Reluctantly, I hung it on my rear view mirror as I made my way to the sauna. At first, it made me sad. But, when I left, I was grateful.
-I don't go to the library -I don't run to Target -I don't visit Thrift Stores or Antique Shops -I wouldn't dream of driving to Disney or SeaWorld. -I didn't go the Fringe Festival this weekend. -I don't volunteer -Heck, I really don't go anywhere by myself anymore (except the gym and grocery store -- all within blocks of my house).
When I think about it, it's amazing how much of my life is now dictated by convenience or comfort. Maybe having this pass isn't such a bad thing?? Maybe it will encourage me to get out and do more?? Maybe it will give me the confidence I need to venture a little further from home? Maybe I can start to live a little again?
If nothing else, it will make things a little easier. And, for that, I am eternally grateful.
Altered Today: Accentuating the positive, preparing for tomorrow's appointment, another four hour nap.
It seems to me, something is changing with how my body handles illness. As one lyme blogger wrote: I no longer have good days; I have good hours. Case in point, the other day. A friend picked me up, took me for a smoothie and then ran me in the grocery store. We were only gone for a couple of hours, but when I came home I felt like I ran a marathon and was literally falling asleep while talking.
Today, another friend drove me to a baby shower "drop in." I was out of the house longer, but came home and collapsed for three hours...only to force myself awake to take medication.
I am trying to do more. I am trying to get back to life: put dishes in the dishwasher, take small walks, visit with people, shower. But doing so comes at a terrible price...inflamed hips, muscle pain, aching arms/feet, and extreme tiredness.
At this point, it's hard to know if I am improving or declining. When the pain gets better, the energy gets worse. When my energy's good, my functioning is bad. And don't even talk to me about dropping things or forgetting what I am talking about. It's like I'm involved in some sort of strange game show...
Pick this door to walk, but not think straight. Pick that door to talk, but not be able to stand the pain.
Just curious. Can I get another option???
Altered Today: Utilizing chauffeurs, time with friends, and sweet surprises: postcards from Canada, packages in the mail, plants, stuffed animals, lots of laughter. I may not feel well, but I've never felt more loved.
Is Lyme causing us to think less clearly? The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. That's how my husband said I should start this blog post. Seriously, however, I am having a dilemma. I somehow want to illustrate my COMPLETE discomfort watching friends argue on Lyme Message Boards. Can you think of a good opener?
It is akin to watching couples fight when you have been invited to their house for a dinner party. You go there thinking: "This is great. We'll relax. We'll have a good meal." And you end up wondering how to get out gracefully...secretly questioning why people can't handle their upset in a more productive manner.
Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE a debate. I LOVE when people disagree. I LOVE when people have opposing views and stand up for what they believe in. What I don't love is hate. What I don't love are disparaging remarks. What I don't love are opinions...touted as facts...that are used to separate and pit people against each other.
THIS makes me crazy.
Honestly, there is so much drama surrounding Lyme Disease (and life in general). Do we really need to perpetuate it within our own communities?
I am not pretending I have a solution here, but...as a human being and a life coach...I am engaged in the question. What can we do to talk, laugh, and discuss things in a productive, positive environment?
If you have thoughts, let me know.
Altered Today: Home for Kitty, Opinions About Message Boards, Desire to Create a Lyme Positive Community
If you watch the movie The Secret, one of the exercises is to write a note to yourself from a future perspective. I believe in this concept and use it often when coaching people. Below is my letter written from a future, healthy me.
Dear Readers,
I’m so excited now that I have recovered fully from _______. Once thought an impossible illness, I am living proof that you can heal your body with the right food, the right treatment, and the right mindset.
Now, less than six months after diagnosis, I am happy, I am working, and I have been profoundly blessed by God and the people who have stepped forward to provide everything when I needed it most.
I’ve learned a lot during this healing journey and I know I will continue to grow as we continue to support each other. Thanks to a few VERY generous sponsors, we’ve now expanded this site to include the latest information on treatments and protocols, an online support group, education/awareness items, and (my favorite) a powerful new tool to help you create your healthy, new future.
Never, in my wildest dreams, did I think that something that seemed so hopeless could turn into my greatest blessing. Just as I prayed for last December on Christmas Day, my family is now healed, my husband and I now have meaningful work, we live in a great neighborhood, and indeed we are expecting a beautiful, healthy baby--due next year. The Universe really does work in mysterious ways.
Keep Believing and Keep Altering Everything.
xoxo,
Kathy
Altered Today: What I focus on, dreams for the future
I never paid much attention to conspiracy theories. Before this morning, I never heard of chemtrails. I have no idea who shot JFK, and I don't know a thing about Area 51...except what I vaguely remember from the X-Files.
That said, as I dive deeper into the world of Lyme Disease (and get closer to a diagnosis), I have questions:
Why do agencies like the CDC and insurance companies say that Lyme's easy to detect and treat when thousands of patients show evidence to the contrary?
According to author Vicki Santillano, "When something shocking or catastrophic happens in our lives, simple explanations just aren't satisfying. We crave deeper reason and meaning... This is how conspiracy theories are often born."
Still, as I grabbed onto the kitchen counter this morning--body convulsing, unable to speak or tell my husband what was happening--something snapped. No human being should ever feel like this; I want to know why.
Altered Today: Knowledge about the controversy of Lyme, passion to make a difference.
If you've ever left or entered my house, you may have noticed the Celtic Cross that hangs by my front doorway. It's bronze, features an aztec design, and doesn't quite fit with the other things in my nest.
My folksy goat.
My salty beet lady (and chest).
My favorite head, mirror, and lamp.
And this GUY, along with some homemade squirrels.
To be honest, I don't love that cross. Had I created it, I would have designed it differently.
I'd change how it was made. I prefer wood. The color would be altered. I'd much rather have silver. The people would be replaced. They seem so stiff and inhuman.
Ironically, the very things I don't like about it are also the things that make it special. You see, the cross is more than just a wall hanging, it's a reminder to stay open...even when you don't understand or enjoy the journey.
On the back of the piece, reads this inscription:
"On the journey of life our paths cross a multitude of opportunities, the most challenging can be those encounters with other human beings. The meeting that may bring us fulfilment or even frustration depends on the most startling chance and circumstance. The cross, joining the vertical and the horizontal, is a symbol of the importance and pain of the encounter.
Emerson's Law of Spiritual Gravitation: People destined to meet will do so apparently by chance, at precisely the right moment. C.G. Jung called this synchronicity."
Today, as I locked the door, I couldn't help but think how that message also applies to illness. I don't get it. I don't like it, but I have to believe it's happening for a reason...even if it's one of my making.
Altered Today: Sharing Philosophy/Stuff and Being Open to the Possibility that the Universe is Conspiring on My Behalf
Did you ever read your old boyfriend's Facebook wall or browse through a friend's photo feed in the middle of the night? Call it nostalgia. Call it crazy. But I shouldn't have done it. Now I'm singing the happily never after, everyone's life is better than mine, 4:00am, bitter, resentful blues.
One ex is a model citizen who attends church regularly, helps the homeless, and takes care of his beautiful wife and 5 children. Another old friend has a gorgeous house, has transformed into a supermodel, and is now pregnant with a baby. Other exes (friends or otherwise) have exciting jobs, thousands of friends, or are saving the world. Me? I'm just trying to get three hours of shut-eye, find two matching socks, get my Facebook followers up to 20, and make it 'til February 14th...which is my next scheduled doctor's appointment.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm happy everyone is leading such a wonderful, super-terrific, amazingly powerful, creative, fulfilling life (insert little bits of sarcasm here). Still, being honest, I can't help but wonder. When will I be on top of the world again?
Seems like yesterday I would laugh when women I coached would say they were jealous of this or envious of that. I can't remember what brilliant advice I gave. I probably had them make them make a list of what they were thankful for or had them journal 20 reasons why they might be the object of someone's green-eyed affection.
So...in an effort to alter my crappy, non-productive, nasty, feeling sorry for myself, hate my life, negative-nelly frame of mind, I am taking my own counsel (When I am finished, I will let you know if I owe some people a refund).
20 REASONS YOU MIGHT WANT TO BE ME by Kathy Tagudin
1) I have a very sweet, LOYAL husband who always supports me. He would never lie to me or intentionally hurt me. He even understands when I look up old boyfriends on Facebook ("Do you need to call them? he'll ask).
2) I have enough money in the bank that I can afford not to work and take care of my health.
3) Both of my parents are alive and kickin'. We have a great relationship and a lot of love.
4) I have a fantastic art studio that is a special space designated just for me.
One of things that has always interested me is the idea of a living on a commune. Now, before you judge, let me just clarify: I'm not talking Timothy McVae, give all of your money to a leader, plan to overthrow the government, drink the Kool-Aid, slaughter a goat kind of place. I am talking about a shared community that features individual housing with shared resources and a shared vision (garden, child care, vehicles, meals, green ideals, etc).
In truth, I haven't done much about the idea (just mostly told a few friends who laughed). But tonight, rather than just think about it, I actually did some research and apparently I have quite a bit to learn. There are intentional living communities, co-housing communities, simple living communities, sustainable living communities, and a bunch of other "living" communities I have yet to wrap my brain around.
In one community called Dancing Rabbit, they build their own houses, live off the land, and share three cars among 30 people (probably too earthy crunchy for my tastes, but I'd love to check it out). In another, Westwood Cohousing, they have manufactured homes with a community center, garden area, and home owners fees (more traditional, but maybe not earthy crunchy enough).
As I was reading through different sites, two of my biggest concerns were: 1) How do they handle conflict? and 2)What do I do if I hate my neighbors? All of the sites have a lot to say about Consensus Building and Decision Making. Few have anything to say about what happens when life turns into a Lost episode and Sawyer steals the last can of Pork and Beans.
Overall, if I had to define my dream community, it would look something like this:
-A place where I like and can count on my neighbors -A place where people share resources like bulk orders from Costco -A place out of the way, but close enough to the city that I could catch a movie -A place where people help each other with child care, home repairs, when they are sick (whatever their skill set provides) -A place with a shared community center where people share family style meals, music (preferably folk), and art every night of the week -A place that promotes green living and ran off wind power, solar panels, and fresh water -A place that could generate income for those who live there by offering workshops and events
Does this type of place exist? I am not sure. But, as Barack Obama once said, "If it's possible, it's worth pursuing."
Altered Today: Action towards a dream, sharing my idealistic ideas publicly
When I was growing up, being sick was simple. A cold was treated effectively with chicken soup. A sneezing fit altered with a tab of Benadryl. As I’ve grown older, however, the process has become slightly more complicated. A series of women’s issues has turned into a plethora of gynecological visits. A sensation of coldness in my stomach has turned into a conversation about depression. And on and on.
Without cutting my nose to spite my face, let me say this simply: I have given up on Western medicine. In the past, I’ve never had issues with doctors (I’ve always liked my providers). I also have never had to confer with them on any serious mysterious medical matters.
The journey to wellness, when you don’t know the enemy, is frustrating at best. It has also allowed me to reevaluate my life and adopt a new perspective. Nobody knows or cares about my health as much as me. And, as a result, my new attitude has led to a ton of alterations in my lifestyle, my interactions, and my commitments (including creating this blog).
The biggest alteration right now is the question I ask myself before doing anything: Does it bring me energy or wear me out? If it brings me energy, I do it. If it feels in ANY way confining, upsetting, stressful, dark, weird, or like pulling a car up a hill....I don’t.
I’m not sure that this is the “medical solution” to dealing with what ails you, but I do know this: when your body speaks, you should listen. For now, acupuncture, healthy nuts, meditation, laughter, and daily artwork are all staples in my life, as is asking myself what my body is trying to tell me. One thing I know for sure: I deserve to be happy and feel well (as do you).
Today's Alterations: Breakfast while it's still morning, hair and makeup instead of loungewear, inspiring shoes on my cute little feet.
ALTER EVERYTHING What do you get when you combine a creative, Type A personality with Chronic Lyme Disease? A choice: A) Be swallowed whole or B) Reinvent yourself--daily.
Alter Everything is my quest to respect "A" and embrace "B" as much as possible. Here, I recount my daily adventures in pursuit of an altered life. –Kathy Tagudin
