Alter Everything

Day 410: Can't Wait To See Where My Keys Turn Up

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I just found my oatmeal. I've been looking for it since yesterday.

Me (to Angel): Baby, did you eat my bowl of oatmeal?

Him: No-ooooowe???

Me (ensuing a 20 minute search):  That's weird. I could have swore I had a bowl of oatmeal.

Then, today, while putting my lamb/bean concoction in the freezer, blammo..OATMEAL!!! A large, frozen ball of oatmeal.  Oh yes!!! I remember now...I was trying to cool it down.

Guess that worked.  

Day 376: Miss Cleo's A Bust

 

Sooooooo, in a desperate attempt to cure my chronic thrushy, mcthrush and wormy mcworms, one of my doctors recommended I visit another doctor who is said to have great "intuition" when it comes to figuring out complex health problems.

"She's a miracle worker," I was told.
"Knew my patient had cancer before science could show it," they said.

Soooo, I made the appointment.

My actual 5-minute conversation, after driving for 30 minutes and waiting an hour.

Said psychic miracle worker (in her THICK Jamaican accent): What seem to be da problem?

Me: Well...I'm hoping you can tell me.

Her: You sick? You have tings going on with you?

Me: Well, I have Lyme, but...

Her (interrupting): Ufffft...Ya have Lyme???? Ya DONE. Tere's no helpin' dat.

Me: Well, I'm not really here for dat. I'm here about thrush and possible parasites. Testing and medications aren't helping and I heard you have a good sense about knowing what's going on with people when science can't figure it out.

Her: Not today. Not in ya case. In ya case, I've got no-tin. Ya got Fibromyalgia? Uffft...Ya DONE. Tere's no helpin' dat.

Me (laughing at the ridiculous of it all):  Well...I appreciate your honesty.

Her:  Ya get da colonoscopy?

Me: Yep.

Her: Ya get da stool test?

Me: Yep.

Her: Phhhh...I dunno know. Maybe Infectious Disease doctor? Lyme, parasites, Fibromyalgia... Ya get tose tings, Ya DONE. Tere's no helping dat

Me:  Well...at least you've heard of it.

ROFL. Call me now.  Do you believe I just paid (or insurance just paid) for dat??? Thank goodness I haven't lost my sense of humor.

Day 352: On Behalf Of My Vagina

Dear Transvaginal Ultrasound Giver,


Just a thought...

Transducer Insertion + Screaming/Cussing + Multiple People Begging You To Stop Raping Them could mean:

a) It's time to reevaluate your career choice
b) You need to be gentler
c) You're a Sadist

(Note: Ramming harder is not a good option)

PLEASE, for the sake of unsuspecting vaginas everywhere, work that [email protected] out!

Sincerely,


The Future President for Pain Free Transvaginal Futures
(aka: Wakeen Funay Fromewe)

Altered Today: Womanhood

Days 344-345: Thanks for Nothing Kim Kardashian

As I write this, I'm doped up on muscle relaxers. It's not common for me, reaching for prescriptions. But, for 13 14 days, I've been suffering: stiff neck, semi-locked shoulder, and arm pain.

It started with my left arm, then moved to my shoulders, then to my neck, then to my right biscep. I've tried massages, acupuncture, chiropractic treatment, Traumeel injections, lymphatic drainage, epsom salt baths, heat packs, cold compresses, a sling, compression garments...nothing's helped.

In desperation, I went off all of my meds/herbs on Tuesday.  The docs (and I) hoped, if we stopped treating so hard, things would settle down a bit.

They haven't.

In a dream, I consulted Kim Kardashian about what to do. She didn't have the answer. She did, however, tell me she got 75% off Vegas shows and advise me to dress up like a showgirl.

I'm not sure how desperate I need to be to consult a reality star or to wear a glizty bikini, but I'm pretty sure it's significant.

Feathers. Check.
Ridiculous Outift. Check.
Feeling better? No dice (pun totally intended).

Maybe I should talk to Khloe?

Altered Today: Routines, Dreams, and Frustration

Day 340: I Don't Even Know How To Respond To That

 A conversation with my husband...

Angel: I’m worried about this show.

Me: Why?

Angel: I’m worried when the kid grows up, they're going to get some crappy child actor.

Me: Really?

Angel:  Yes.  Aren’t you worried about that? I refuse to believe I’m the only one who’s worried about that.

Me: You’re joking, right?

Angel: No. And I’ll bet if you ask other people, they’re worried about it too.

????????????????????????????????????

So, just checking. Anyone else up at midnight worried that the baby on their favorite sitcom is going to be replaced in two-years by Macaulay Culkin?

Altered Today: Belief that I married an alien.

Day 338: The Weekly Round Up

Throughout the week, I get all kinds of interesting questions, emails, and phone calls from people I know/don't know through my blog. Here are a few of the funny, not so funny, important things I followed up on this week.

Question #1: How's the novel coming?

Answer:  Novel? Did I say I'm writing a novel? How 'bout a book? A small, small book. Seriously, under the best circumstances, writing is hard (hats off Stephen King). Writing when you're sick? Next to impossible. So far, I have an Indian Goddess and a box of Cuban Cigars. Where it's going from there, I'm not sure.

Question #2: I am a medical practitioner and want to learn more about Lyme. Where should I start?

Answer: With the patients. Read every blog, join Lyme chat rooms, support groups, and forums. 

I also recommend:

-reading Insights into Lyme Disease Treatment
-attending conferences
-visiting www.ilads.org
-snooping around Better Health Guy and Jenna's Lyme Blog
-Studying Jemsek,  Burrascano,  Cowden, and Klinghardt.  For information about how Lyme (or GU Syndrome) is viewed in Traditional Chinese Medicine, go here.

Question #3: If you go to India and get stem cell treatment, will you have to work in a call center?

Answer: No. And that's not funny.

Question #4:  How are you and Angel doing? I worry about you.

Answer:  Angel and I are good. AND, we are still adjusting to life with chronic illness. He loves me. I love him. We fight. We make up.

Sometimes, I worry I share too much about my personal life, but, if documenting my door slamming or upset helps just one person, it's worth it to me.

Question #5:  You were doing so well with GU treatment. What happened?

Answer:  I'm not sure. Sometimes stuff works for a while, then it doesn't. Healing is a pretty up and down thing.  I haven't given up on GU. I think it's helping/helped me.  Right now, it might be helping too much (which could be why I'm hurting).  I may just need to switch it up a bit.

Question #6 (from a fellow blogger friend, also treating for Lyme):  I thought you'd enjoy a good rash photo of my butt...What do you think?  They aren't bulls eyes, but still, what the hell else could they be?

Answer:  Weird. Those look exactly like the circles I got on my thighs when I first got sick. WTH? Viruses/Lyme coming to the surface? I know Bartonella (Lyme's nasty cousin) can cause all kinds of weird rashes and sometimes people get bulls eyes while treating. Maybe a version of that? Internal Hives? Better check with the doctor...

PS Thanks for the butt photo. You're right. I totally appreciate it. ;)

Altered Today: Topics for discussion

Day 298: An Open Letter to the Makers of Depends Undergarments

Dear Depends Marketers,

Yesterday, I sent my husband to the store to buy a package of your product. It was his first purchase...one never thinks he will need such a thing for his 40-year old wife. Sadly, life had other plans (read the unfortunate incident caused by excessive parasite killing here).

It was a sad state of affairs.  He was embarrassed--embarrassed to buy a package of adult diapers for ME.  Because of this, he went to a "less popular" drug store near our house...national, but not our usual. His hopes? To avoid running into anybody we know (or anybody who remotely knows anybody we know)...something he recently encountered while buying me enemas.

It all turned out fine.

I am not sure why I am writing you about this.  I know, he's not your husband. Heck, I am probably not even your target market. This does, however, have me wondering...Are you doing anything to address the embarrassment associated with incontinence?  Have you considered making a product to address a younger, hipper, sicker demographic? Do you need a spokesperson (I am currently free and available)? Have you considered offering a lingerie line??

Personally, in the world of diapers, I actually find your product WAY more comfortable than expected. I also secretly like the frilly-outside edges...which remind me of a Laura Ingalls Wilder nightgown. The droopy butt thing, however, has GOT TO GO. Just sayin'.

Looking forward to your prompt reply....

Kathy

PS LOVE the internet sizing guide. Totally helpful.
PPS I know you mean well with the multi-colored thing, but really the pastels are horrible. May I suggest instead a line with funny slogans or graphics (ie: I Sharted. Poopy and Proud. Lighten Up. Love Me, Love My Poop. I Always Wanted To Be an Astronaut.)? Think Underoos, but for adults.

Seriously, just because you can't hold it, doesn't mean you can't smile. :)

Altered Today: Potty Mouth

Day 281: Because It's Funny...

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Sometimes you just gotta laugh...at life, yourself, illness. Last night, I walked into the bedroom, saw my own shadow, and screamed (and not a baby scream either..this was a serious squeal, followed by 10 minutes of recovery time). Other things that have been cracking me up lately:

1) Seeing a lady balance a carton of orange juice on her head while walking through the grocery store parking lot.
2) Watching the lady behind her do the same thing with her i-phone (just to show her husband she could).
3) Random, lyme crying jags (mine and others).
4) The thought of anyone taking a "half drop" of anything.
5) The thought of buying my friend Alyson Pajama Jeans (and her wearing them).
6) This picture of my fat cat (and deeply serious husband).


7) These ladies...

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8)  And, finally, the pièce de résistance....this infomercial for Tiddy Bear (No. It's not an SNL skit).

 

Hope you are smiling.

Altered Today: What tickles my fancy...

Day 264: GOOD NEWS!!!

Got a letter from Golden Rule Health Insurance.
Apparently, I'm fine and nothing is wrong with me.

Phfewwww, what a R-E-L-I-E-F!

For a year now, I thought I was SICK.
Oh well, off to do the Cha Cha...

;)


Altered Today: Resolve, Things I Think Are Funny


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Day 263: Born Country

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Me (after finishing a nice meal): Man, that was good.
My sister (declaratively): Yes-it-WAS (leaning back).  Now, I'm going to pick my teeth.

???????????????????????????????????????????

-Insert 10 minutes of laughter here-

Down the road--a kid--riding a bike, eats a sandwich with one hand and holds a grocery bag in the other--as he swerves into traffic.

At the store--a man--in the parking lot, lets his dog poop beside him, as he brushes his teeth.

I'm not recounting scenes from a movie.  Just a typical day...at home...visiting family.  It's been said, you can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't the trailer park out the of girl.  I concur. For years, I tried EVERYTHING to escape my back woods roots: moving to Jersey, going to college, working in corporate, traveling abroad.

Each time, I've returned to the same:  "Uncles" who raise skunks, hairdressers who get arrested, people who say "warsh" instead of "wash," and a house with 6 cats, 8 horses, and 2 dogs.

It's a simple world, filled with knick-knacks, Skip-Bo battles, vegetables carried in recycled cat litter containers, rooms full of Christmas trees, and people who pee with the door open.

Still, today, as I sit in the broken corner recliner--the one now "complete" with a pvc pipe lever, I can't help but smile. I love these folks. They'd give you the shirt off their back and the heart from their chest. And, in many cases, they have.

There's no place like home.

Altered Today: Gratitude, Appreciation