Alter Everything

What's Right with the World

"A small light brightens a dark space." --Unknown

Lately, I can't help but notice all of the energy being directed at what's wrong with the world. A dog being choked by its owner, a political conspiracy, another death--unspeakable things darken my news feeds. 

It leaves me breathless.  It leaves me groping in midnight for the tiniest spark, which, depending on the day, may light the way, or burn down the whole effing building with everyone in it.

Unknowingly, I've been a part of THIS.

I've been a part of the world that roots for no possibility.

I didn't do it intentionally.

I did it because I got caught up....in the strain of the moment...in the feeling that THIS is not right...in the belief that THIS--whatever THIS is--MUST be acknowledged.  Otherwise, my life, my pain, or my experience somehow will not matter.

THIS has consumed me. 
THIS has also made me irresponsible.

For nearly two years, I've felt THIS so deeply, that the thought of NOT feeling THIS and NOT discussing THIS has become unfathomable. 

"How can I express me, without expressing THIS?" I've questioned....day after day after day.

"You can, if you choose to." My heart finally answered.

So, there it is, after four-months of silence, finally, something to say:

• My dizziness has subsided
• I've stopped convulsing in bed
• I do not have uterine cancer
• I'm showering WAY more often and, occassionally, even fixing my hair

Other things have happened, but I choose to focus on THIS.

And...
just for the moment...
I am part
of the solution.

Happy Thanksgiving.


What inspired THIS?

Fiona Apple's Words of Wisdom (scroll down to read the content)

Potato Chip Dealers and Stolen Kisses

The Movie You Should Buy If You Think the Best Days of Your Life are Behind You

Which led to re-watching THESE...

The Father Running for His Son

Free Hugs

Day 363: Pssst....Hey you. Yes, YOU! Go See the Muppets!!!

If you're sick....
If you're cranky....
If you're nostalgic...
If you just like to smile...

If you've given up completely...

GO!!!!

To refresh your memory...

 

 

You could be here...



Altered Today: Joy

Day 255: You is Kind. You is Smart. You is Important.

source

Feeling much better today, thanks in part to three things:  1) Time 2) Perspective and 3) Kind/ supportive friends. When my sky is falling, there they are...picking up pieces, offering advice, checking in on Facebook, offering rides. It means more than any of them will ever know.

Just last week, I got the most wonderful present from my friend Judy F. -- a beautiful, hand-knitted hug shrug. I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciate it. It's like a soft sweater for your shoulders that doubles as a blanket. I wear it constantly. Combine that with my favorite eye mask (thanks Melissa) and stuffed elephant (you rock, Judy S.), I'm in nurturing heaven.  Yesterday, for extra support, I grabbed all three. I may have felt like a train wreck, but there was no denying: people love me.

Being sick human, it's easy to forget you matter.  Pain creeps in, depression takes over, and suddenly you end up thinking crazy thoughts like "my husband hates me" or "no body cares if I die" ....even though they're not grounded in reality. So, with that in mind, I just wanted to take a minute to tell you something (borrowed from the movie The Help).

You is Kind. You is Smart. You is Important.... (don't let any fool tell you otherwise).

The power of love to change bodies is legendary, built into folklore, common sense, and everyday experience. Love moves the flesh, it pushes matter around.... Throughout history, "tender loving care" has uniformly been recognized as a valuable element in healing. ~Larry Dossey

Sending you soft cuddly blankets and soothing calm nights. You are so very, very, very necessary and loved.

Altered Today: Gratitude, Friendship

PS Thanks Melissa H, Gary B, Judy F, Judy S, Melissa A, Cindy A, Michelle H, Laina N, Jenny W, Carolyn M, Alyson C, Pam G, and Cam C for checking on me. :) As always, I'm blown away by your kindness.

Day 247: What To Do When You Don't Have Earplugs

Over the past 12 months, I've learned a lot of lessons: how to be vulnerable, how to be brave, how to listen to my body, how to navigate the world of chronic illness.  Not to sound cheesy, but, you could say, everything I learned in life I learned from Lyme Disease.

Some lessons were practical:

-Take time to detox
-Carry nuts in your purse
-Never start more than one med at a time
-Rest when you need to
-Have a backup plan
-How healing works


Others were spiritual:

-Learn to dance
-Don't sweat the small stuff
-Laugh
-Make the best of it

And today's contribution:

-Always carry earplugs. Otherwise, you might end up watching Rise of the Planet of the Apes with toilet paper sticking out of your ears.


Just sayin'...

Altered Today: How I MacGyvered tp to defeat sound sensitivity

Day 203: Stupid Trixie Lymes

                     Sick Kathy = Gollum                                                                              Healthy Kathy = Smeagol

At least that's the case, according to my husband (If you haven't seen Lord of the Rings, get a brief primer here).
The remark wasn't meant as an insult. He said it after I made a comment this morning.

Me (in Smeagol-like fashion): We thinks we can do more than we can (upon having to rest after wiping out the dog's crate).
Him (being playful): Stupid Trixie Lymes, we hates them we do.

For a while, we joked and back and forth.

Smeagol: "But we likes the pizzas, yes our precious!"
Gollum: "NO!... WE can't HAVE the pizza, NOBODY can have the pizza."

And on and on it went. 

In reality, it's not that far off. I am often conflicted between the two sides of me.

On a good day: We can walks. We getting better. We are.
On a bad day:  We dying. We tortured. We can't go on.

Let's hope these new meds do their thing (free, free...let Smeagol go FREEEEEEE!!!!).

Altered Today: Dosing, Party Provisions. Hope you can make it Saturday. Would love to see you.

Day 158: Food Matters

My Mom is such an amazing lady. As I type this, she is sitting less than six feet away, watching Food Inc.--all because I asked her to.  I know she doesn't want to see it. She is tired of me lecturing about food, ticks, bottled water, and health.  But, as I told her this morning, I love her. I want her to be here for 500 more Mother's Days.  And if that means bothering or alienating her for a while, I'll risk it. 

It's a tough sell....helping my family understanding that cheap food comes with a price.  I know it was for me (especially with my upbringing).  Still, if they leave here thinking twice about what they put in their cart or put in their mouth, I'll be happy (and hopefully they'll be healthier).

I think most Americans would be surprised to know there are only three or four companies controlling the nation's food supply.  Even more would be shocked to realize how many products are made with genetically modified corn. Hopefully they won't have to start feeling as bad as I do to start caring.

As much as I hate being sick, I am eternally grateful for how much it's impacted my eating, my social consciousness, and my overall commitment to health.  In the end, the movie really opened my Mom's eyes.  As credits rolled, she requested I help her find local farmers/growers in her area.  And, as I gave her the list, I couldn't help but smile.

Learn more about Food Inc.
Learn more about Food Matters (another REALLY important, eye-opening film).

Altered Today: Hopefully my family's food choices.

Day 142: It All Works Out

Image from We Heart It

This is not what I intended to post today. Originally, I wrote a nice piece about Tyler Perry and how much he inspires me (Have you heard this man speak??? If not, do yourself a favor and check him out).  That said, since my computer had other plans and since I didn't "save" appropriately, it seems like a good time to say it:  $h*! happens.

$h*t! Happens
Dogs die. Friends leave. Disease comes. Dishes crack. Summer ends. Cars malfunction. Cats pee. Money disappears. Bacon burns.  Shirts stain.  Knees fail.  Needles hurt.  Milk runs out.  People lie.  Babies vomit. Mates snore.  Computers crash.  Plans fall through.  Children bully.  Heroes disappoint.  Cakes fall.  Beauty fades.  Careers ends.  Businesses fold.  Hearts break. 

Life
Goes
On.

Or, better put, "Everything will be alright in the end. If everything is not alright, it is not the end."
(Thanks, Lisa)!

Happy Friday!

Altered Today: Blog Post, Fondness for Mad Black Women

Day 141.5: Don't Let It Get The Best Of You--Keep Fighting

Day 107: The Real Groundhog Day

 

Each morning I wake up, I think the same thing.  "Man, that was a bad dream," I'll suppose, before opening my eyes.  Then, as I get conscious to the feelings in my body--the cold in my stomach, the ache in my neck, the stinging in my arms and feet--I remember; that wasn't a dream. I really am living this nightmare.

Being chronically sick is like that. It's like the movie Groundhog Day and I'm Bill Murray smashing the alarm clock, praying for it to end.  Some days, I play with it.  I kiss the annoying Maitre d'.  I pretend it isn't happening.  Other days, I'm consumed by it...wrapped up in doom, covered with despair.  This morning, as I stared at the clock, I couldn't escape the sadness.  Even in my dreams, pain was with me.  I was chased.  I was sued.  I was blamed.  And, I was forced to eat onions...handfuls and handfuls of freshly cut, eye-stinging onions.

I do not want to get up today. I do not want to fight. I do not want to drink vegetables, sweat in saunas, or watch Wayne Brady dance on Let's Make a Deal.  I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to punch.  I want to destroy something...before it destroys me. 

In many cultures, destruction is a good thing.  In the movie Outsourced, Kali--the Hindu goddess of destruction--is kept on a taxi's dashboard...just as a reminder. 

Kali, the goddess of destruction

"Why would you want the goddess of destruction in your car?" the main character questions. 

"Sometimes destruction is a good thing," reminds his guide. 
"She ends one cycle so a new one can begin." 

In the end, destruction creates a better life for Bill.  He lives in the moment.  He becomes more compassionate.  He learns to seize the day.   In the middle, though, it's tough.  And I'm right there-- trying to escape destiny and falling into puddles.

Altered Today: Being with Winter.

Day 105: I Want Answers

 
Under Our Skin airs on PBS on May 1st 12am-3am

I never paid much attention to conspiracy theories. Before this morning, I never heard of chemtrails.  I have no idea who shot JFK, and I don't know a thing about Area 51...except what I vaguely remember from the X-Files.

That said, as I dive deeper into the world of Lyme Disease (and get closer to a diagnosis), I have questions:

• Why is this disease so mysterious?
• Why aren't better treatments available?
• Why are doctors who are treating patients under such scrutiny?
• Why do agencies like the CDC and insurance companies say that Lyme's easy to detect and treat when thousands of patients show evidence to the contrary?
• What connection, if any, is there between Lyme Disease and Plum Island?

According to author Vicki Santillano, "When something shocking or catastrophic happens in our lives, simple explanations just aren't satisfying. We crave deeper reason and meaning... This is how conspiracy theories are often born."

Still, as I grabbed onto the kitchen counter this morning--body convulsing, unable to speak or tell my husband what was happening--something snapped.  No human being should ever feel like this; I want to know why. 

Altered Today: Knowledge about the controversy of Lyme, passion to make a difference.