Alter Everything

Days 386-389: What I Really Want For Christmas

You asked me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
'cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And designer love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

-Better Days, The Goo Goo Dolls

"Ok, God. You have 22-hours." That's what I'm thinking as sunrise approaches. I don't know if it's smart to give God deadlines or announce them via blog post, but he said "ask and ye shall receive." Last Christmas Eve, I did. 

One-year later, I'm still waiting.

Granted, there's been progress. I am out of pajamas (better). I am able to walk around malls now and climb flights of stairs (yay). Angel's found meaning in his work (answered).

Still, babies, me working, renewal, and a comforting home seem miles away.  What gets created from this will be interesting. Hopefully, it will resemble a needlepoint: confusing from below, a masterpiece from above.

I know this year marks a turning point in our lives; one we will someday regard with pride, determination, or humor (or perhaps a combo of all three). Still, as I look at this photo, I see two tired people...in fact, hundreds of tired people:  friends, family members, doctors, patients, and caregivers...still searching for hope, pain-free days, productive lives, and a cure.

If you are one of them,

I pray that you find "love tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days."

 

Days 285-288: The Real Surprise

Eleven days ago, I wrote a post asking myself three questions: What would calm do? What would peace do? What would relaxation do? It's an odd conversation...ESPECIALLY since I usually ask stuff like: How can I improve x? What will make a difference with y?

For days, I wrestle between my Logical, confined self and the Relaxed, carefree me.

R: You should go to the beach for a few days. It'll be good for you.
L: Ahem....get away??? Have you looked at your bills lately?
R:  If you can spend thousands on doctors, blood work, and colon cleansing, a few hundred more isn't going to kill you.

And on and on it goes.

Logic's argument's simple: I'm am sick, having a hard time breathing, stressed financially and physically...not the smartest time to go exploring (and, by the way, other recent vacation attempts have not proven successful).

Relaxed has a different take: Healing is an inside job. My soul is tired. Sometimes you just need to let go.

The two argue mercilessly back and forth, to the point of indecision.

On Sunday, though, something cracks. "I'm booking where I feel led," I say, knowing if I pay in advance, I'll go. On my screen, from the day before, The Ritz Carlton in Sarasota. Without any more thought or worry, I select September 11-13 and hand over my credit card.

Letting Go...Again, and Again, and Again

15 minutes in, my first challenge.  Just before hitting the highway, a dog...an adorable Toto-esque dog...wanders down the side of the road. He's not in danger..yet...but he could be.

Inside, I feel the usual URGE to worry.

L: Oh my God.  He's going to get hit. Do something.
R: You are in no shape to "do" something. You nearly passed out walking to the car.
L: You could block traffic or signal someone or ....

Then, a clear voice, one I don't recognize (is it mine, God's, peace?).

"TRUST...someone will take care of it."

WOW...a completely foreign concept. Reluctantly, I listen and drive.

Over the next few days, similar "worries" dot the landscape.

Can I make it to my hotel room? What if GU treatment doesn't agree with me? How will I get around? Can I swim (safely)? Where will I eat?  What about blogging?

"Just focus on you," the 'Voice' speaks again.

From the comped spa steam room that helps me breathe, to the free valet that conserves my strength, to the ocean side cabana team that keeps me hydrated, to the new Organic restaurant that JUST opened, everything's handled.  Along the way, I give up control, get taken care of, follow my heart, and even extend the trip.

Surprise...


Altered Today:  Faith, Protocols, Rx free

Day 262: Prayers for Wendy

Wendy, my Lupine Lady

Right now, as I breathe and type, one of my favorite Lyme friends--several states away--is praying for a miracle. Her mother is sick....dealing with chronic lung disease and a partially collapsed lung filled with fluid. It's the kind of moment that reminds you what's important in life, what you value, and the strength of the human spirit.

Everybody loves Wendy. Her smile lights up Alaska and her heart's bigger than the sea.  To see her hurt, in any way, fills me with sadness. If you have an extra moment tonight, and, even if you don't.....please pray for her. Pray that she finds peace, courage, love, guidance, and healing. Wendy you are so loved and so important. God is with you and we are too.

XOXOX

Altered Today: Focus, Love, Support

Day 215: From Our Mouths To God's Ears

 

It's been a long time since I celebrated the 4th of July.  Nothing against freedom or fireworks (I appreciate both); it just brought up bad memories. At 19, one of my best friends was killed on Independence Day. At 36, another friend passed near that time. Couple that with crowds, loud parties, and explosions that scare my pets 'til 3 in the morning, it became more painful than anything. But it wasn't always that way...
 
"Mom, look, sparklers! Can we get some?"  I used to beg when I saw the familiar blue and and white pack.  Excitedly, I would wait for the sun to fall so I could paint the sky. They were my candles... waiting for wishes.

"Fix Muffins," I cried one year, thinking of my injured cat. 
"Don't let Matt move away," I prayed another. And on and on and on...

The exact utterance wasn't important, at least not as much as the belief that someone was listening. The brighter the glow, the more I knew, God was watching and paying attention.

As I think of the 4th this year, I am returned to my childhood and the hope that God favors sparkly lights filled with wishes. With every flame that rises and every ash that falls, I no longer see sadness and tears, but dreams of a new future...one filled with health, happiness, and peace.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal,
that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights,
that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness."
--The Declaration of Independence, 1776

Lighting lanterns for you...they may look like fireworks, but they're really hugs laced with prayers.

Altered Today: Traditions, love, and gratitude for the people who make independence possible.  Thank you Katie Fujinami. I've never met you, but you inspire me. XOXOX

Day 209: Prayers for Juliana

"Jewels" on a better day with her son Johnny.

A while back, I wrote a post entitled With Love to Juliana. 
It wasn't an accidental title.
It was a tribute to a real person,
a real angel,
to somebody who changed my life
...Juliana King.
Juliana and I were brought together by fate via a Lyme FB support group.
I blog.
She blogs.
We both have Chronic Lyme Disease.
We also like the same You Tube Videos, Post Secret posts, quotes, etc.
It truly was a match made in heaven.

On my worst days,
it's Juliana who makes me smile.
On her worst days,
she does the same....
sending notes when she can,
spreading sunlight on my wall,
worrying about my insomnia and pain...
even though she can hardly lift her head.

Although we've only known each other a short time,
her impact has been profound.
She taught me to be positive.
She taught me to be grateful.
She made me appreciate the good days.
She also showed me “It’s not about who you’ve known the longest
…it’s about who came and never left your side.”

Now, the girl who loves and supports so many,
needs our love and support.
I love you, Juliana.
We love you, Juliana.
You can pull through this.
You will pull through this.
As you would say...
Never Give Up...Miracles Happen Every Day!!!!

  
Can't wait to see you smile again.
XOXOXOX

Altered Today: Juliana's Health.  Please post your uplifting quotes, videos, wishes, and prayers for Juliana by friending her here. I don't know when she will get to reading them, but I know they will make her day. 

Day 166: With Love To My Fellow Sick Friends

"You'll be ok." It's important to remember...especially when dealing with chronic illness. 

I KNOW. Easy for me to say. I can walk. I have my house. I have health insurance. My kids aren't sick. I have a doctor.  I'm not___________ (place your concern here).

Maybe so, but I do know this.

-You are powerful.
-You are resilient.
-You are amazing.

And there is NOTHING and I mean no-thing in this world too big for you to handle. 

Don't believe me?
Look around.  Look at all of the stuff you've accomplished...especially the stuff you never thought possible.

Think back to that deck you built, those shelves you assembled, that paper you wrote, that baby you pushed out, that love you lost, that trip you planned, that training you passed.  At first, wasn't it all daunting and insurmountable?

You've achieved so much; stuff most people could only imagine.  This is no different.

True. I don't walk your path. So I won't insult you by comparing mine. Still, I know your heart. I know who you are.  This is not the end of your journey. This is just the beginning of a new one.

Altered Today: Attitude about illness, support for others.

Day 132: Be Here Now

Enshrine - Mindfulness Painting by Janelle Schneider

"Why does having a diagnosis matter?"  That's one of the thoughts floating around in my head today.  When I woke up this morning, I thought I was done crying/feeling sorry for myself.  Then, the minute I heard my friend's voice, I just started bawling. I couldn't keep it in.

In hopes of altering something, I took a copy of the book Suffering is Optional to the sauna. Although I am not Buddhist, I have always been drawn to their philosophy...how they deal with conflict and upset.  There's a lot to be said for honoring and accepting your experience; a thing I am definitely not excelling at lately.

According to Buddhists, only a few things cause suffering:  

-Not getting what you want
-Not wanting what you get
-Being separated from those and that we love
-Being forced to tolerate those and that we don't love

In a nutshell: Wanting things to be different than the way they are (Illness has definitely got me covered with that).

-I wanted to test positive so I could define what I'm dealing with: to be validated, to be treated, to move on. 
-I didn't want a negative result because it brings up more _____: problems, tests, insurance headaches, $$ down the drain, uncertainty.
-I miss what used to define me: volunteering, work, friends, food.
-I hate the routine that's now my life: being home, pain, fatigue, pills/protein/vegetables.

My monkey-mind keeps screaming:

"It shouldn't be this way."
"I should be better by now."
"It should be easier."
"They should know what's wrong with me."
"I can't keep going like this."

My realistic side argues:

"Why shouldn't it be this way?"
"Who said it would be easy?"
"Why should you be better by now?" 
"What if you never find out what's wrong with you?"
"What are you going to do, kill yourself?"

Yes, I am definitely resisting.

I don't have answers for it.  I just know I want to fix it; which probably isn't helping.  So, for now, I am choosing to be gentle with myself and focus on the moment.

I am here.
I am breathing.
I am sipping lemon balm tea.
I am experiencing pain. 
I am alive.
I am beginning to accept...

Altered Today: 1st dose of Doxy, being mindful.

Day 124: Note from the Future

If you watch the movie The Secret, one of the exercises is to write a note to yourself from a future perspective. I believe in this concept and use it often when coaching people.  Below is my letter written from a future, healthy me.


Dear Readers,

I’m so excited now that I have recovered fully from _______. Once thought an impossible illness, I am living proof that you can heal your body with the right food, the right treatment, and the right mindset.

Now, less than six months after diagnosis, I am happy, I am working, and I have been profoundly blessed by God and the people who have stepped forward to provide everything when I needed it most.

I’ve learned a lot during this healing journey and I know I will continue to grow as we continue to support each other.  Thanks to a few VERY generous sponsors, we’ve now expanded this site to include the latest information on treatments and protocols, an online support group, education/awareness items, and (my favorite) a powerful new tool to help you create your healthy, new future.

Never, in my wildest dreams, did I think that something that seemed so hopeless could turn into my greatest blessing.  Just as I prayed for last December on Christmas Day, my family is now healed, my husband and I now have meaningful work, we live in a great neighborhood, and indeed we are expecting a beautiful, healthy baby--due next year.  The Universe really does work in mysterious ways.

Keep Believing and Keep Altering Everything.

xoxo,

Kathy

Altered Today: What I focus on, dreams for the future

Day 76: Let It Be

What do you pray for? Love? Guidance? A specific result? Do you pray at all? 

When I was little, I prayed diligently....usually in a "tit for tat" fashion.

"God, If you just get me out of this," I would cry.  "I promise I will never do x, y, z again."   

Sound familiar??

Lately, however, my prayers have taken a new tone...

I first noticed the change on my birthday in October.  Feeling sick, I spent the evening with girlfriends who were nice enough to buy me a cake, make dinner, and chat.  "God, I know you have a purpose for everything," I silently prayed as I blew out the candles.  "Use me and use my life to make a difference."

Then, while driving to the doctor's office yesterday, I noticed it again. Rather than bargaining with God, I carefully weighed what to ask for.  Healing? Peace? Courage?  Suddenly, an unfamiliar thought entered my mind. "ACCEPTANCE,"  I heard myself whisper.  "Ask for acceptance."

According to Dictionary.com, to accept is to:

-take or receive something offered with approval or favor

-agree or consent 

-respond or answer affirmatively

-undertake the responsibility, duties, honors, etc., of

-accommodate or reconcile oneself to

-regard as true or sound; believe

-regard as normal, suitable, or usual

-receive as to meaning; understand

-receive without adverse reaction

To me, acceptance is the opportunity to stop resisting.  There is a beauty in acceptance – a peace in it.

So, with heart in hand, tonight I pray:

God, grant me acceptance for what I cannot control.  Help me learn from it, find the beauty in it, and use it to help others.  God, instead of struggling, remind me to Let it Be.

Altered Today: Conversations with God

Day 72: From Me to Me

Poppies by  Dan  via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

You know they never really owned you.
You just carried them around. 
And one day you put 'em down and found your hands were free.
-Ani DiFranco

The deed's been done. The letter's been sent.  I have officially ended a 5+ year relationship that should have ended long ago.

Past the fear and the doubt, I know I'm doing the right thing. Still, I can't help but look for reassurance: some sign that I'll make it, some consolation that I'm not crazy, some hope that everything really will be ok. 

With no one to turn to but my dog and my artwork, tonight I'm going to an unusual source for inspiration:  from me to me. Below is the letter that I wrote to myself (actually to all of us).  Feel free to alter the words...as needed.

Dear ________ (insert your name here),

I know you might not believe me when I say this, but you’re still in there.  Despite the doubts, despite the concerns, despite the pain, despite the “am I crazy?” conversation, there you are.  Tough. Strong. Resilient.  Capable.

You have so much to give to this world.  Don’t let fear and illness stop you.  You are brilliant beyond measure and have many, many more amazing things to do in your lifetime.

Have you forgotten?

Have you forgotten how you trounced around foreign cities and built a life without knowing a soul?

Have you forgotten how you survived so many unspeakable moments where others would have shriveled up and died?

Have you forgotten how many people love you and appreciate you...right now, just as you are?

Have you forgotten that everything wonderful thing in your life was born out of not knowing and possibility?

Have you forgotten that you created this opportunity and that you can create others just as easily?

Have you forgotten that all is well and you’re ok?

Have you forgotten that you must be willing to let go of the life you have planned to have the life that is waiting for you?

Have you forgotten that I believe in you and you can count on me?

Make room for Love. Make room for Joy. Make room for Miracles.  And, if that doesn’t work, watch this video.

I love you with all of my heart,

Kathy

Altered Today: What I Say to Myself