Alter Everything

Day 76: Let It Be

What do you pray for? Love? Guidance? A specific result? Do you pray at all? 

When I was little, I prayed diligently....usually in a "tit for tat" fashion.

"God, If you just get me out of this," I would cry.  "I promise I will never do x, y, z again."   

Sound familiar??

Lately, however, my prayers have taken a new tone...

I first noticed the change on my birthday in October.  Feeling sick, I spent the evening with girlfriends who were nice enough to buy me a cake, make dinner, and chat.  "God, I know you have a purpose for everything," I silently prayed as I blew out the candles.  "Use me and use my life to make a difference."

Then, while driving to the doctor's office yesterday, I noticed it again. Rather than bargaining with God, I carefully weighed what to ask for.  Healing? Peace? Courage?  Suddenly, an unfamiliar thought entered my mind. "ACCEPTANCE,"  I heard myself whisper.  "Ask for acceptance."

According to Dictionary.com, to accept is to:

-take or receive something offered with approval or favor

-agree or consent 

-respond or answer affirmatively

-undertake the responsibility, duties, honors, etc., of

-accommodate or reconcile oneself to

-regard as true or sound; believe

-regard as normal, suitable, or usual

-receive as to meaning; understand

-receive without adverse reaction

To me, acceptance is the opportunity to stop resisting.  There is a beauty in acceptance – a peace in it.

So, with heart in hand, tonight I pray:

God, grant me acceptance for what I cannot control.  Help me learn from it, find the beauty in it, and use it to help others.  God, instead of struggling, remind me to Let it Be.

Altered Today: Conversations with God

Day 74: I Hope You Dance

 

If you've ever been to a bad 80's wedding, no doubt you've limboed.  You stood in line.  You listened to questionable music.  You followed others while you marched around in circles--just waiting for your turn to bend over backwards, scootch under a tiny little pole, and hopefully make it out the other side without landing flat on your back.

The key to the game is simple:  Be flexible enough to make it, but strong enough not to break. 

It's also a good metaphor for life (and love, and illness...) and everything in between.

The dictionary defines limbo as:

a) a region on the border of hell or heaven
b) a place or state of oblivion to which persons or things are regarded as being relegated when cast aside, forgotten, past, or out of date
c) an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place
d) a place or state of imprisonment or confinement
e) a state of uncertainty or waiting
f) a dance

It can be a blessing or a curse.  A fun game or a forced obligation. The gateway to pain or the start of a new adventure. 

It's all in how you look at it.

Tonight, as I prepare for tomorrow's doctor's visit and anticipated test results, I'm thinking a lot about my attitude. It's been a long five months and I'm anxious for answers.  It's also possible that whatever answers I receive will only lead to more questions.

Whatever the news, I'm choosing to dance (...even if I don't pick the music).  If you're in Limbo, I hope you will too.  In the meantime, here's a Lullaby for a Stormy Night.

Altered Today: Patience, Attitude, Dread, Thoughts about Sickness.

Day 72: From Me to Me

Poppies by  Dan  via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

You know they never really owned you.
You just carried them around. 
And one day you put 'em down and found your hands were free.
-Ani DiFranco

The deed's been done. The letter's been sent.  I have officially ended a 5+ year relationship that should have ended long ago.

Past the fear and the doubt, I know I'm doing the right thing. Still, I can't help but look for reassurance: some sign that I'll make it, some consolation that I'm not crazy, some hope that everything really will be ok. 

With no one to turn to but my dog and my artwork, tonight I'm going to an unusual source for inspiration:  from me to me. Below is the letter that I wrote to myself (actually to all of us).  Feel free to alter the words...as needed.

Dear ________ (insert your name here),

I know you might not believe me when I say this, but you’re still in there.  Despite the doubts, despite the concerns, despite the pain, despite the “am I crazy?” conversation, there you are.  Tough. Strong. Resilient.  Capable.

You have so much to give to this world.  Don’t let fear and illness stop you.  You are brilliant beyond measure and have many, many more amazing things to do in your lifetime.

Have you forgotten?

Have you forgotten how you trounced around foreign cities and built a life without knowing a soul?

Have you forgotten how you survived so many unspeakable moments where others would have shriveled up and died?

Have you forgotten how many people love you and appreciate you...right now, just as you are?

Have you forgotten that everything wonderful thing in your life was born out of not knowing and possibility?

Have you forgotten that you created this opportunity and that you can create others just as easily?

Have you forgotten that all is well and you’re ok?

Have you forgotten that you must be willing to let go of the life you have planned to have the life that is waiting for you?

Have you forgotten that I believe in you and you can count on me?

Make room for Love. Make room for Joy. Make room for Miracles.  And, if that doesn’t work, watch this video.

I love you with all of my heart,

Kathy

Altered Today: What I Say to Myself

Day 70: Just What I Needed

What have you been avoiding?  Anything come to mind? While I'm usually the "get it done" type, the truth is I've been putting off few things.  One of which, I know, is impacting my health.

The major thing I've been avoiding?  Ending a contract that's been stressing me out. 

Without too much detail, years ago I developed this program that connects people to advertisers in the community.  It's been challenging. It's been successful.  It's been profitable.  It's also been sucking the life out of me. AND, it's up for renewal.

I have lots of good reasons for doing it:

-It's good money
-It's my baby
-I hate to have built this thing up and just end it
-I have to survive 

There are also reasons to stop:

-My health can longer handle the stress or the hours

As I continue to Alter Everything, it's obvious what I need to do.  So, with gentle hands, today I let go.

Let Go of:  Worrying
Let Go of:  Pushing
Let Go of:  Surviving

Bye-Bye security. Hello ????????

Altered Today: Annual Income, Openings for New Things.

Day 64: If I Were You

 

Did you ever read your old boyfriend's Facebook wall or browse through a friend's photo feed in the middle of the night? Call it nostalgia. Call it crazy.  But I shouldn't have done it.  Now I'm singing the happily never after, everyone's life is better than mine, 4:00am, bitter, resentful blues.

One ex is a model citizen who attends church regularly, helps the homeless, and takes care of his beautiful wife and 5 children.  Another old friend has a gorgeous house, has transformed into a supermodel, and is now pregnant with a baby.  Other exes (friends or otherwise) have exciting jobs, thousands of friends, or are saving the world.  Me?  I'm just trying to get three hours of shut-eye, find two matching socks, get my Facebook followers up to 20, and make it 'til February 14th...which is my next scheduled doctor's appointment.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I'm happy everyone is leading such a wonderful, super-terrific, amazingly powerful, creative, fulfilling life (insert little bits of sarcasm here).  Still, being honest, I can't help but wonder.  When will I be on top of the world again?

Seems like yesterday I would laugh when women I coached would say they were jealous of this or envious of that.  I can't remember what brilliant advice I gave.  I probably had them make them make a list of what they were thankful for or had them journal 20 reasons why they might be the object of someone's green-eyed affection.

So...in an effort to alter my crappy, non-productive, nasty, feeling sorry for myself, hate my life, negative-nelly frame of mind, I am taking my own counsel (When I am finished, I will let you know if I owe some people a refund).

20 REASONS YOU MIGHT WANT TO BE ME
by Kathy Tagudin

1) I have a very sweet, LOYAL husband who always supports me.  He would never lie to me or intentionally hurt me.  He even understands when I look up old boyfriends on Facebook ("Do you need to call them? he'll ask).

2) I have enough money in the bank that I can afford not to work and take care of my health.

3) Both of my parents are alive and kickin'. We have a great relationship and a lot of love.

4) I have a fantastic art studio that is a special space designated just for me.

5) I am not in Egypt.

6) I have plenty of food in the fridge and plenty of places to go if I run out.

7)

My dog, Betsy.  Need I say more?

8) I know at least five six people I can call right now if I need a ride to the airport or have an emergency (please don't make me name them).

9) I live in a country where I can worship freely.

10) I am very creative and can think fast on my feet.  I am never at a loss for a good idea.

11) I've got no strings so I can wander freely...without vomit on my shirt or Cheerios in my hair.

12) Both of my cars are paid for, run, and are full of gas.

13)  I am not living paycheck to paycheck.

14) I have medical insurance.

15) I graduated from college.

16) I can sing and write poetry.

17) I have very, very, very cute thumbs.

18) I have a great bedroom with a very comfortable mattress.

19) I am in Florida...not stuck in snowstorms.

20)  I can laugh, smile, cry, talk, walk, run, breathe, eat, smell, see, hear, blink, love, hate, feel, think.

Ok.  All better now.  You?

Altered Today: Taking my own Advice, Gratitude, Poopy Attitude.

Day 62: Catalyst One Hundred and Twenty-Seven

Stumbled across this great website today called Creative Therapy. The concept is beautiful.  Each week features a challenge to have you look at an aspect of your life and express it in art (mixed medium, scrapbooking, writing, whatever). 



Some examples include:

Catalyst One Hundred and Two – Kara Haupt – What was the worst thing you ever did?
Catalyst Ninety-Seven – Dina Wakley – When in life have you felt most alone?

Catalyst Ninety-Five – Cheryl Ametewee – What’s something you struggle with?
Catalyst Eighty-Two – Susan Tuttle – What’s your superpower?
Catalyst Seven – Rhonna Farrer – What makes you, you?

This week Catalyst One Hundred and Twenty-Seven is one of my favorites. 
What’s your word or focus for 2011?

I hadn't intentionally created a theme for my life this year, but the more I blog, the more I focus on my health, the more I obsess, one has naturally emerged.

Let Go by Kathy Tagudin

Let go of what no longer serves me. Let go of having to figure it out.  Let go of worrying.  Let go of stress. Let go of disease.  Let go of weight.  Let go of the past.  Let go of having to know.  Let go of expectations.  Let go of fear. Let go of unhappiness. Let go of doing it myself. Let go of procrastination. Let go of hiding.  Let go of what ifs, could haves, and should haves.  Let go of restlessness.  Let go of grudges.  Let go of negative habits and attachments. Let go of who I think I am.  Let go of what's familiar.

What's your theme for 2011?

Altered Today: Theme for the year, Intention for the future

Day 60: Five Things

As weird as it sounds, I miss my husband.  Though he's just two rooms away, we haven't been especially close lately and, rather than come together, it seems like we're living in two separate worlds. 

In his world, he goes to the gym, takes care of our current marketing business, and works on his photography website.  In my world, I write blog posts, do art when I'm up to it, and obsessively research health information. 

Occasionally, we'll stop for a movie or a bite to eat, but even then we're disconnected.  I'll watch sadly as he escapes to his i-pad. His eyes will roll slightly as I fill him in on the current ache of the day. 

When our paths cross, our conversations are always the same.  He'll ask if I took my vitamins or if I ate yet.  I'll ask how he's doing or what he's working on (usually with little response).

Although I know it's just temporary, this is not a fun time in our marriage (less better, more worse).  It can't be easy for him to have a wife who's chronically tired, complaining, and inconsolable.  And it's not easy for me to have a husband who doesn't understand..even though I know he's trying.

As I discussed the dilemma with my girlfriend, she offered an idea.  "Wanna know a new game I am playing with my husband?"  "Sure," I said up for anything.  "When he comes home now, instead of asking how he's doing, I ask him to tell me five things about his day."

"Interesting," I thought...inspired to get this train moving again.  So, this afternoon over eggs, I tried it.  "Tell me five things about your game yesterday," I requested between sips of water.  And, for 20 minutes, he gave me all the dirt: how they were one man down, how he played offense and defense, how he's the oldest guy on the team.  It was nice to see him smile.

As we enter our 8th year of marriage, I'm still learning what it means to be a good wife, a good partner, and a good friend to the man that stole my heart during a life changing seminar. 

Baby, if you are reading this, I love you and I miss you.  I'm sorry I've been so distant and self-consumed and miserable. Five things? 

You mean everything to me.

Altered Today: Listening/Talking, Getting Connected

Day 57: Delete Them. I Dare You.

How many friends do you have on Facebook?  One? One-thousand? Three-hundred and fifty-two?

Now. Better question. 

How many of them do you actually like? 

Un-huh....got you thinking on that one.

All of us have probably received this email "So and so would like to be friends with you...." 

Do you answer it? Ignore it? Say what the heck and accept them anyway?

If you're like me, you've probably added one or two people you shouldn't have.  Perhaps they were friends with a group of people you like or you've worked with them.  Maybe they were people you volunteered with or knew from college.

When I examined my own Facebook page, I had to face the honest truth. Not only was I NOT friends with some of these poeple, a few of them I didn't even know.

So, with cat-like precision, below is the unofficial criteria I used to delete "friends" from my Facebook feed. 

-If you've ever hit me in the face (on purpose)....I deleted you.
-If I secretly think you are crazy.........I deleted you.
-If being around you is generally draining or upsetting...........I deleted you.
-If I (or my husband) wouldn't recognize you in line at the DMV......I deleted you.
-If you've ever left me a NASTY voicemail/email or called me names (without being on medication or being profusely       apologetic)....I deleted you.
-If you still think my favorite musician is Bruce Springsteen...I deleted you.
-If I wouldn't want you to know my personal business...I deleted you.
-If you degrade other people with your humor and your actions....I deleted you.
-If hugging you gives me the creeps...I deleted you.
-If you are not a part of my current life and hold no special memories in my past one...I deleted you.
-If every time I see you all you do is complain...I deleted you.
-If I think you are going to be on America's Most Wanted one day...I deleted you.
-If looking at your photo causes me pain...I deleted you.
-If I only added you because I felt bad or was worried I would hurt your feelings...I deleted you.
-If we only know each other in a professional capacity...I deleted you.
-If your posts make me shake my head back and forth.....I deleted you.

Sound harsh?  Maybe so, but I feel about 15 times lighter.

Altered Today: My Facebook Friend's Page, Having to do Things, Caring What Other People Think, My Stress Level

Day 52: They Like Me. They Really Like Me.

Saw a request from a fellow Estian the other day.  "Looking for cute kitchen items that I can feature on my blog," she said.

At first, I kind of shrugged it off.  "It's probably too late," I thought.  "I'm sure she already has tons of submissions."  Still, rather than let my cynicism get the best of me, I decided to give it a go. 

The result? 

Recycled Cutco Cookbook Journal by AlterEverything

A nice little feature on Old Soul Style.

It only took a moment to submit, but it was a great exercise in ignoring the small, negative voice in my head. 

Thanks Stephanie, not only for the feature, but for the reminder of what's possible when we go for what we want. 

Altered Today: Results from altering yesterday's actions.

Day 38: Reevaluating Problems

If you've got something to complain about, don't do it to my husband.  I learned this lesson early on in our marriage when I came to him with a personal dilemma.

I don't remember the exact situation, but the conversation went something like this.

Me: I can't believe they got the order wrong. I already waited more than 20 minutes.  They knew I wanted "x" and they gave me "y."  Now I've got to go back to the store.
Him: Hmmm...well that's a first world problem.

The inference?  Whatever you are complaining about right now isn't nearly as terrible as people dying in the streets, war, or starvation.  So, really, could you stop it already?

Funny thing is, my husband has never lived in a third world country.  He is also no angel when it comes to complaining (just try to keep him from a hot shower or comfy bed).  Still, he has a point about not sweating the small stuff.

Today, as my girlfriend and I argued about her purchasing a needed pair of eyeglasses, we were suddenly brought to a halt by a sad scene in the street.  A small dog lay lifeless in the center lane.  The owner (or who I assume to be the owner) wailed and shook as she scooped the dog up and placed him in her car.

For a moment, we just sat silent.  It was awful and a great reminder of what's really important.  Life is short.  Stop worrying. Live.

PS As an additional awful reminder, my heart goes out to all of the victims of the Arizona shooting today.  May your family and your community find love, peace, and healing.

Altered Today: Arguing, Sweating the Small Stuff, Appreciation for the Little Things, Gratitude for my Dog and Husband