Rest In Peace

My dog Betsy has 12 hours to live. She's blissfully unaware, lying on the cool, kitchen tile. I am in my brown, corduroy-covered La-Z-Boy, under a blanket, crying.

For three days, we've watched her disappear: releasing urine in the hallway after she'd just been outside, burrowing behind and knocking over of a side table in the bedroom, having scary uncontrollable seizures at 6:00 in the morning. Today, she's bouncing in and out of it.  Between seizures, confusion, gentle kisses, and falling into the wall, somewhere is my best friend...the one I fell in love with 12 years ago...

"Bup-ba" (as I like to call her) is mostly gone now.
Cancer, 14-years of living, and potentially Lyme have taken their toll.
In her place, a strange impostor who stares glassy-eyed into the distance.

There is no scale large enough to weigh the lump in my throat.

For the last two years, her nuzzles kept me breathing. And the thought of life without her prances, scratches at the door, snoring, or excitement feels unbearable.

In this moment, everything's surreal: she's fussing with her bed, getting a drink of water, giving me little snippets of love. A few minutes ago, she was pacing uncontrollably, licking the floor...panicked.

Her tail has not wagged once today.

There is nothing "right" about such a difficult decision.

The are bright spots: she'll be at peace, she won't suffer, the emotional toll of making sure she's ok will be lifted. Still, the dark spots are heavy: guilt, doubt, upset, pain.

I love you, Betsy, and can't thank you enough for all you've given me. For 12 years, you've kept your end of the bargain. Now, reluctantly, I'm going to keep mine.

Here's to one last car ride and walk around the block....

Rest.  In.  Peace.

Comments

[Pam]

I love you, Kathy. I'm crying with you right now. The ugly cry... snot and all. I'm so sorry :(

{{{{Betsy...sweet girl}}}}

[ec]

I've called you both... I'm sure the ringing phone isn't #1 priority. Know that I am here waiting to be at your side. I love you & I love love love sweet Betsy-kins. I'm sorry kitty & Angel; my heart is with you and betsy

[Alter Everything]

Thanks Pam and Elaine. The vet is coming tomorrow at 10. We just took her for a long walk and a car ride...partly for her, but also for us. It's so hard to see her like this. She's not "in pain" per se....just vacant. None of the usual reactions to anything enjoyable. I love you both so much. Thanks for being there.<3

[Renee]

Oh, Kathy, it is so hard to do something like this. We have been there ourselves and the pain is so overwhelming. Sending gentle hugs and prayers your way...

[Pam]

Are you ok? Been thinking of you all day.

[Joanna]

I remember having to make that same decision for my sweet kitty. My last gift was to hold her while she received the injection and took her last breath...and I was honored to be there for my dear friend. I'll be thinking of you...I know how hard it is to say goodbye to your 'baby'. Hugs!!

[Melissa]

Sobbing with you. I am so sorry you had to lose sweet Bets. I am thinking of you and Angel and wish there was something I could do to take away the pain! Love you both!

[Michelle Holderman]

(Tears) Oh Kathy, I'm just now seeing this. I'm so, so sorry friend!! Sending love to your grieving heart. (((Hugs)))