Through the Looking-Glass

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don’t much care where--" said Alice.
"Then it doesn’t matter which way you go," said the Cat.
"--so long as I get SOMEWHERE," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh, you’re sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."
(Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Chapter 6)

As I write this, I am surrounded by magazines...FAT, juicy, stylish magazines with cover shots of fresh oranges, skinny waists, and famous celebrities.

Break Your Bad Habits! --one screams.
Fresh Start! --says another.
Start the New Year Bright!--beckons my favorite.

They're all different, but hopelessly the same: tuned in to my desperate need to improve, conquer, elevate, and perform.

Each January, I plunge into the abyss...usually driven by something ridiculous, worthy, or unreachable.

One year, I was determined to wear size 3 Ann Taylor Loft jeans.
Another, I vowed to write every day.
Another, I took on making a certain amount of money during a certain period of time.
Last year, I launched operation "Get healthy and document it."

I failed. 
I also succeeded.

When I started writing this post in January, I had very specific reasons:

1.  To let you know I was going to be quiet for a while.
2.  To declare 2012 the year of "Being" not "Doing."
3.  To create some semblance of a normal life...away from message boards, computers, and 24/7 Lyme Disease.

The choice was purposeful.

Inspired by this post, by Shauna James Ahern (aka: Glute-Free Girl), I was tired... 

Tired of observing...not living.
Tired of discussing tests, doctors, and medications.
Tired of trying to make the best of, or shed light on, an exhausting situation.
Tired of sharing more with strangers on the internet than with my friends or husband.

There's a lot I could discuss about my health:

• the $1,000 I just wasted because my Neurologist ordered the wrong MRI
• my pancreatitis filled Christmas and New Year
• my Citrobacter infection
• how I diagnosed my own parasite problem by comparing this photo of my leg to this one on the internet
• the wonders of Albendazole
• how shuddering in my sleep has divulged into full-out mayhem
• how I'm being evaluated for MS
• the unbelievable ecosystem thriving inside me

I won't.

Partly, as Shauna puts it, for survival. 
Mostly, to make space....

for what I need
what I want
for the me that's quietly bubbling up to the surface.

More than ever,
I miss life.

I miss creativity.
I miss participation.
I miss normalcy.
I miss generating some-thing and no-thing.
(and having the energy to do it)

For a while, this blog filled that space.
Now,
there's this gap.
Only, instead of rushing to fill it,
I've been listening...

for joy,
purpose,
and inspiration.

It's not easy--folding life into pain.
Despite deep discomfort, or perhaps because of it, I ache to create, express, and contribute.

How to do that when my body runs like a Ford Pinto being held together by duct tape?
That's another question.

Don't worry.  I'm ok.
(or, as ok as I can be...Ford Pinto and all).

Just re-evaluating,
conserving,
striving to l-i-v-e
(instead of exist),
and thinking....

mostly about this...

A strange thought for a girl obsessed with altering....

Comments

[Jenny]

Now you are talking! This is my favorite if your postings. It reminds me of when I started to heal...it was when I discovered that I experience life most fully in the pause between words and the rest between actions...I learned to simply BE. Then I saw my whole life, all the inauthenticities. Look forward to your next posting. Xxoo

[Meliss]

An amazing post, my friend. I love you!

[Victoria h]

I love this piece. You are very creative with the Alice and wonderland and yugo! I too feel like i am being held together by duct tape. Living is a whole other story, i exsist and when i try to live in the moment as i tell my daughter live in the present as today, now is a present from god, so i really try (even as all my fingers are so numb from typing this its so painful) I will live if only for a minute a day then exsist the rest. Thanks so much for sharing this with us.

[Rhonda]

great plan! love you!

[Saimz]

I can't stop reading this post. Over and over.
Thank you for writing it. It gives me peace.
I love you so much xoxo

[shana]

You are amazing...always amazing!

[Barbie]

Hooray! Put some ice in that drink! Swallow that B-12 whole! Be here now! This is a great post. I'm proud of you and I love you very much.