Day 293: The Heart of the Matter

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Right now, I'm having an argument in my head: a fight between the "sick" me and "healthy" me. Healthy me saw a baby today...a delicious, Asian, smiling baby.

"You're going to get better," healthy me said. "You're going to get better by December 31st and, come January, you're going to make one of those."

Sick me had other thoughts.  "Don't get your hopes up," she reminded.  "Remember last October?  Back then, you SWORE you'd be well by January.  You can see how that turned out.  Besides, Lyme Mommies don't make healthy babies."

So, here I sit...arguing for what's possible AND jaded by reality.

It's an odd dilemma. "Didn't I used to train people to see past their circumstances and create their futures?" I think.  "What would I have told me?" I wonder.

My mind rattles off a list of coaching distinctions....looking for a place to come from that could possibly make a difference.

Being a contribution? Nope.
Being unstoppable? Definitely not.
Operating from an empowering context? Maybe.
Creating Teamwork? Possibly.
Bringing fun, play, and ease to the situation? Couldn't hurt, but not inspiring.
Being Authentic? Important.
Being expressed?  Necessary.
Coming from nothing? Warmer.
Being with what's so? Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding.

That's the one. Being with what's so. Nothing added. Nothing taken away. Just being with what is. Gently, I try to uncollapse the truth in my life with the story I am telling myself about it.

WHAT’S TRUE???
- I’m 40

-I’ve been sick for a year
-I was trying to get pregnant when it happened
-I've been told I have Lyme Disease

-I used to have good days and bad
-Now, I mostly feel blah

-I haven’t worked since last October
-My body is unreliable
-I don’t know when I’ll be better

WHAT I’M MAKING IT MEAN:
-I can’t have a family

-I’m a failure as a wife

-I’ll never be healthy
-I have to fix this

-Time’s running out
-The best days of my life are behind me
-I'll never be happy

It's interesting, uncovering the things I'm thinking deep down.  There's nothing to do with this right now...just breathe and be.

Altered Today: Perspective

Comments

[Nicole]

Wow, So true these thoughts haunt those of us with illness....crazy similar to mine. Here's what mine looke like:

WHAT’S TRUE???
- I’m 41

-I’ve been sick for as long as I can remember
-I decided long ago never to get pregnant because I knew I had something just didn't know what and didn't want to have a kid go through what I went through.
-I've been recently told I have Lyme Disease

-I used to have good days and bad, yup
-Now, I mostly feel blah, yup

-I work very very little and the guilt guts me
-My body can be unreliable, yup but people think I make it up to not have to do anything meanwhile I want to do so much and can't
-I don’t know when I’ll be better, yup

WHAT I’M MAKING IT MEAN:
-I can’t find love and have a family

-I’m a failure as a person
-I’ll never be healthy or wealthy
-I'll never have a place of my own
-I have to fix this

-Time’s running out
-I lost the last 10 years, I want my 30s back
-I'll never be happy

WHAT I KNOW:

- I have a mighty heart
- I have a light inside me that's beautiful
- I experience joy, even if briefly
- I am successful because I breath

Interesting, I shift from having to experiencing, maybe that's the true essence of life.

Thanks for the re-focus, I suddently feel less crazy and not so alone in this.

Nicole

[Melissa]

As always, thank you for being so open and sharing your journey with us. Sending love and hugs...

XO
M

[Alter Everything]

Thanks for sharing your journey, Nicole and Melissa. We definitely are not alone. Many lives. All impacted. Grab the joy while you can. XOXOXO

[Saimz]

Wrote up my response to this in my blog. And then tried to copy it over but it didn't work.

Love you.