Days 269-271: All That's Left

My SoulCollage Card--Go Fish

I am the one grasping at straws.
Holding on to the ugliness
because the ugliness needs holding.
I've got this, but I don't like this.
It's all that's left.
It's all I can do.
Beaten,
not broken.
I stay covered
Because I have to.
Mind the snarl of my lip.
Note the look in my eye.
I
Will
Be
Back.

-Kathy Tagudin

Oprah Winfrey said it best: the Universe speaks in whispers. In her words "a whisper in your life usually feels like 'hmm, that's odd.' Or, 'hmm, that doesn't make any sense.' Or, 'hmm, is that right?' It's that subtle."  Then, if you don't get the message, it comes barreling at you like a freight train. Get the point or get run over; that's the way the story goes.

My beach trip was good, but emotional. On the one hand, it was great to get away and spend time with friends. On the other, it stirred up sadness and vulnerability (stuff stored DEEP in dark corners...it's had me speechless for days).

It started with a conversation with my friend Deb. There's no hiding with her...no casually saying 'I'm fine' or 'everything's ok.'

"How ARE you?" she asked, after I joked about passing another bunch of worms. Then, quietly, she looked deep into my eyes: "Does that scare you?"

For an hour, she pulled out all of the things weighing on my heart:  How it's been a year, how exhausted I am, how I miss knowing what day it is, how desperate I feel, how mostly it seems I'm completely and utterly alone.

For a minute, I just died in her arms.

"I'll protect you from Boogeymen," I promised.
"And I will keep you safe from monsters under the bed," she answered.

To be understood by someone--especially by someone without Lyme--is such a gift.  Each word soothed an ache in my soul. I SO needed to be nurtured. I SO needed to be loved. I didn't know how much I needed it until I returned home...

The last several days have been cold, distant, sad, and revealing.  Despite kind blog posts or positive intentions, Angel and I are once again living in separate worlds.  In his, he's tired of Lyme...tired of complaining...and wants a "normal" life.  In mine, I want the same--a tough position to be in when you're constantly feeling horrible.

I don't know what this latest divide means for our marriage. Perhaps, it's a passing phase. Possibly, it's the byproduct of toxic medication. It could be fatigue, insensitivity, or grieving. Maybe, it's a whisper...just struggling to be heard.

Whatever the case, I am listening.  One freight train's enough. I can't stand one more.

Altered Today: Reevaluating the light at the end of the tunnel

Comments

[Debbie Semarge]

I love you, Kathy....

[Gary]

I have no words to offer you except to say my heart grieves for you my friend. I was thinking earlier today (while I was looking at the worms and flukes in the toilet) "will I ever have just one normal day again in this life time?"

This disease is hard on marriages, I know. Sadly, I know too well. I'm praying for you. I'm praying for your husband. I'm praying for my wife and and for myself.

I pray for all of us who are going though this dark tunnel. Somewhere there's light at the end of this tunnel--there has to be. I pray we all come to see this light soon...

Your friend (and his worms), : )
Gary

[Melissa A.]

Oh Kathy, I know how difficult it must have been to write this. I feel terrible that you are suffering and wish I could just take it away so that you could be happy, feel loved and heal faster You are the strongest, most powerful woman I know and I know you will get through this. We will do it together because we will take each step together, fall and get back up together and win this &@$/ fight together. Whatever it takes, my friend. I'm here if you need ANYTHING. Please do not hesitate. Love you bunches! XO

[Heather]

Oh I can't tell you how many times my spouse and I go through the "two different worlds" thing. You can feel SO distant and alone, even if he is still loving and helping you along in your treatment and WANTING your treatment to be over. We usually hash it out over a week or so because I never have the energy to do it all in one sitting :) And it usually just comes down to two people who are haggard and weary and ready to be DONE....back to normal. But with "no end in sight" it just causes us to stand up, renew our strength and reliance on God and trudge forward. It gets better down the road. I'm praying for you and your husband! For renewed strength, encouragements, and little rays of hope :)

[Alter Everything]

I Love you, Gary. Have you ever seen the show Breaking Bad? It's about a guy who gets cancer and then becomes a drug lord to pay for treatment. Anyway, there's a scene where he's peeing in the toilet (shot from his perspective) and he's watching as the water fills with blood. It was perfect...always a reminder of something that "shouldn't be" there.

Like you, I often wonder if life will ever be normal again...and I weep for that.

Thanks for your kind thoughts and sweet prayers. I need them. I will also keep you (and R) in mine.

Much love to you friend.
xXOXOO

[Alter Everything]

Thanks, Heather. It really helps to hear other people go through (and get through) this. I sometimes wonder if I say too much on my blog, but it is part of the picture so I don't want to ignore it.

You describe the experience perfectly...so distant and alone....

Fortunately, hubby and I were able to talk some about things last night after I wrote this...that helped some (it had been nearly 3 days). Like you, I was also too exhausted to get it completed...lol. Thanks for reading, taking time to respond, and offer your love and perspective. I really, truly, truly makes a difference.

With love for a peaceful future.
XOXOXO,
Kathy

[Jrsn1234]

Kathy: Honesty is difficult. But you never know who you touch when you are sharing your pain. I thought about the days that Saul is just tired. Not wanting to reassure me. Just wanting to sleep. Thanks for giving me a clue. Love you.

I am glad that you and Angel talked.

[Brandi]

Oh Kathy. I just cried reading this post. I really understand what you are saying and my husband and I have been here. Thank you so much for sharing this personal story of yours. xoxo, Brandi