photo by twotoneatl via PhotoRee
It's official; I have a double chin. Not like that's news...I've been heavy for a while. But, for some reason, today, it's really bothering me.
"Do I have to feel like crap and look like crap too?" I cringed, when I saw one of my tea party photos.
My next three thoughts were just as disempowering:
"You have friends that can't even sit up and you're worried about your chin?"
"At least your body's working. Be glad it's supporting you."
"Really, with everything going on, you're gonna worry about how you look?"
....and on and on and on.
They are all some version of the same conversation: "I should be this, not that."
It's not a new thing; I've been "shoulding" on myself for years.
I should be more successful.
I should live somewhere else.
I should be more grateful for what I have.
And, most recently, I should be getting better faster. And, if not, I should at least be skinny...especially with my boring diet of nuts, beans, meat, veg, fruits, and cheese.
The problem with "shoulding?" It traps me in a world of something's wrong...with me, you, life, everything (and, you know, I shouldn't be wasting my time there).
So, today, rather than obsess about how I should or shouldn't be feeling or what I should or shouldn't be doing about it, I'm giving myself a gift: acceptance.
I have what I have. I don't have what I don't have. I am where I am. I'm not where I'm not.
Moving on...
Altered Today: Compassion, love for my humanity.
You are beautiful...sick or not...and I love you! I'm glad you are giving yourself grace. I hope you are feeling better tomorrow, friend.
Posted by: Melissa | 06/30/2011 at 10:03 PM
You're nuts. You know other people find you to be a hottie, right?
Well, I do.
You SHOULD too -- hah! =P
Posted by: Saima | 07/01/2011 at 09:01 AM
I love your honesty and transparency, Kathy. I totally get it. And I love that you are giving yourself the gift of acceptance. Not easy I know. But this is a lesson for many of us. Thank you for blogging about what's on your heart. And I think you're beautiful too!
As a friend of mine often says to me - Be gentle with yourself.
Posted by: Michelle Holderman | 07/01/2011 at 02:06 PM
Oh and nice video clip. Made me feel better :) I love Burt and Ernie! Who doesn't love Sesame Street?
Posted by: Michelle Holderman | 07/01/2011 at 02:09 PM
You guys are so great. Thanks for reading.
It's a better day today...clouds are lifting, chin's looking less exaggerated, Juliana's feeling a little better, just had a sauna...onward and upward.
PS Thanks for watching the video, Michelle. I could so relate to Ernie in that song, I just had to post it.
Posted by: Alter Everything | 07/01/2011 at 02:19 PM
Kathy, I agree with Saima. You're a hottie! You're beautiful even without makeup. (Maybe with the exception of Day 82, you were worn out, and in so much pain. You were grieving. I look like that daily, or to me, I do.) I love ya girl! Keep your chin up.
P.S. This is for you.
http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b223/Brananna/4ccd3bf77d617.jpg
Posted by: Laina | 07/01/2011 at 03:36 PM
WHAT???? You are a crazy woman!!!! And, just for the record I have a double chin in the pic you "liked" so much....lol.
Posted by: Cindy | 07/01/2011 at 08:29 PM
You are beautiful, inside and out.. Love you bunches, my dear sister!!
Posted by: Debbie Semarge | 07/02/2011 at 10:24 PM
I just realized I told you to keep your chin up. I certainly wasn't referring your your 'double chin'.
Posted by: Laina | 07/03/2011 at 04:21 AM
This is absolutely for when you are not sensitive to computers, noise and light. I am posting this because I want to remind you that "you are who you are". And who you are....IS a hottie. (You are right, Saima).
As someone who IS obese...I can tell you that self-acceptance is important to survival. Be gentle with Kathy. Lyme Disease is not.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fF8KnOywNUU
Posted by: Jrsn1234 | 07/03/2011 at 04:46 PM