Day 181: A Crack in the Foundation

Put anything under stress for any amount of time and stuff starts to crumble.  Buildings, with weak structures, tilt and sway.  Sidewalks split.  Bridges collapse.  Hearts stop. And anything...with any flaw...already present.... becomes magnified 100 fold....sometimes beyond repair.

It was a hard night. Pain crept into my heart, head, and marriage.  This is not the life we planned. This is not the life we want.  Yet, this is the life we have...filled with disease, fear, and uncertainty. 

I am not sure if this is "fixable"-- if I am fixable -- if WE can do this.  I know diamonds come from pressure, but so does dust.  I just pray we don't disintegrate and end up as the latter.

As I move forward today, I am scared and filled with dread.  Perhaps from pain or lack of sleep, but everything's raging: symptoms, sadness, self-doubt, and suffering.  The elephant in the room is awake and she is stomping all over my sofa. Hopefully we can outrun the damage before it swallows us whole.

Altered Today:  Reaching out for support, calling a counselor.

Comments

[AnneMarie]

Disease makes a tough situation seem impossible sometimes. Marriage is hard enough! I think the most important thing we have found in our marriage is to be honest. About our feelings, about everything. Even when sometimes it hurts. I can't even tell you how many times I've almost slapped my husband when I've said how much pain I'm in and he said "yea, I know how you feel, my neck hurts." Finally I had to sit down with him and tell him that he DOES NOT know how I feel and never will. That is a good thing, and sometimes a bad thing. But I also had to recognize that my husband has pain too, he gets sad too, he gets frustrated too. And his pain and feelings need to be acknowledged as much as mine do. Otherwise there is so much held in and it can explode. My advice is to try to remember your husband's feelings too, and after telling him about your day or feelings, ask him how he is. I don't think forgetting that is selfish or mean, I think it's really easy considering all the things crowding our heads on a daily basis. That's why I have to remind myself sometimes :) I'm so used to my husband taking care of me and being strong for me sometimes I forget he needs someone to take care of him too. Once we got very honest about that, things got a lot easier. I hope maybe that helps a little.

[Jrsn1234]

I can't make the pain and fear go away, Kathy. I can tell you that you are heard. And you are loved.

[Saima]

There is so much love in that house.
"Ohhh these times are hard - yeah, they're makin' us crAzy don't give up on my bAby..."
Hang in there. <3

[Alter Everything]

AnneMarie...Were you hiding in my closet last night? Yes, it helps. It helps to know other people struggle with this and survive it. Honestly, I wish people talked about it more (and I understand why they don't). Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. XOXOX

Saima/Judy/Melissa/Elaine/Andrea and every other person that reached out today... <3 <3 <3

[Laina]

I love you Kathy! I am here if you are up for talking.

[Alter Everything]

<3....Laina. I wish I could carry you in my pocket. In fact, last night, it was your words that came from my mouth..."I think you're grieving." I said.

Sadly, I think we both are. It just sucks because I thought I was done with that part.

Miss you and will write soon!

[victoria]

there are many times many of us feel like you do, not to belittle it at all, but many can agree it is not an easy thing to deal with. I had to start dealing with issues in phases when i dealth with too much, including the relationship, lyme got much worse. i know it's hard to remember our partners had also lost something and are in the grieving process too, just not in the same way. They are greiving and not fleeing - this is a good sign :-) Hang in there.

[Alter Everything]

Thanks, Victoria. Sometimes it helps just to talk about it and acknowledge it. Just hearing others have weathered the storm really helps.

PS Get what you mean about steps. Today, I just had to keep focusing on what was in front of me. Ie: All there is to do right now is feed the dog.

Sounds ridiculous, but it really helped get me through.