Day 119: How Are You: Greeting or Invitation?

Me at 20 with my real-life critic

Back when I was 20, I spent a summer in Sweden.  It was a real culture shock: the food, the people, the places. I had never been abroad before, knew VERY little socially, and--like many naive Americans--was surprised how many people had negative things to say about our country and our citizens.

One of the first complaints I remember?  One particular Swede named Magnus who expressed his annoyance immediately upon meeting.

"How are you?" I asked, when I first shook his hand.
"You Americans," he huffed.  "That's what I hate about you.  You always say 'how are you,' but you don't care about the answer."

Hmmmm.  I never quite thought of it that way.

Over brioche and cheese, I tried to explain that although "how are you" is a common U.S. greeting, it doesn't mean we're insincere.  Seriously, if I take the time to ask how you are doing, I definitely --ok, usually--care about the answer. Otherwise, I'll just say "good to see you" or something more benign (hmmmm, maybe I'm faker than I think???). 

Regardless, I've been thinking a lot about that question. 

"How are you?" is a charged greeting--especially to a chronically sick person. Do I lie? Do I tell the truth? Do they care?

Below is how I responded to an old friend who asked recently via email.

Hi ________(insert name of well meaning friend here):

How am I??? Hmmmmmmmmm....
 
Well, that depends on what answer you are looking for.
 
If you want my pat answer, I am unbelievable (something I learned to say from Zig Ziglar...perfect if you are less than perfect, but don't want to be negative).

If you want my real answer, I'm OK; not great, but not awful...which is a relief from how things have been for a while. 
 
There's a lot I could say about doctors, treatments, hope, despair, drugs, vitamins, ticks, conspiracy, chronic illness, juicing, and more, but I'll spare you the details.  In summary: I'm still pretty darn sick, still getting tested for lots of different things, but much, much closer to a final diagnosis (We are about 97% positive I have Lyme Disease.  Should know for sure on April 11th, which is my next doctor's appointment).
 
In the meantime, I try to keep busy. I blog everyday (www.AlterEverything.com), go out when I can, and keep a pretty strict routine of researching, watching what I eat, and other strange health rituals.

The main concern of my doctors right now is to get me healthy enough to withstand treatment; a game I think we are winning.  Sadly, I'm not losing weight from the shenanigans (the one benefit many people usually reap with these kinds of illnesses), but I am learning a lot about myself, what I value, and what really matters...which has been surprisingly good...

Now, did he really want to know all of that???? I don't know. 

Was it honest and from the heart? Yes, definitely.   

In the future, when someone asks, I'll probably stick with "unbelievable" and fill in details if needed.  In the meantime, the experience does raise a good question.  Is "How are you" a greeting ...or an invitation?  

Altered Today: Thinking before I speak, requesting your point of view, seeking better greetings/answers

Comments

[ec]

My answer is usually, "I'm well; thank you for asking." And 9 times out of 10 the person is puzzled that my answer required them to pause in step so I could finish my response. And they're really in for it if they say "I'm good." Never, ever tell an English teacher you're good... unless you're prepared to tell her what you're good at! :)I may have to switch my answer to, "Unbelievable! And thank you for asking!" I love you kitten.

[Kathy Tagudin]

But see that is exactly the dilemma I am referring to. If I ask how you are doing, I REALLY want to know how you are doing. I know you've answered that way in the past and I've followed up with a "No, really. What's going on? Or, is everything ok?" (I even might have thrown in a don't lie to me or tell the truth comment).

I think a better question to ask a sick person is "How are you feeling?" (Which you always ask by the way). But what's a better question to ask a healthy person who's dealing with the ups and downs of life (which are considerable)? A few I am kicking around...What's happening? What are you up to? How's life treating you? (winning so far). Thoughts???

[Jrsn1234]

Dearest Kathy: When I ask you "How are you?".....I genuinely want to know. The good, the bad, the whatever. But I understand what you mean. When I am struggling, I never know how to answer that question. I don't want to "bore" people with a litany of complaints. But saying "good" seems dishonest. I think sometimes we can share more than we think we can...but sometimes it is better to just smile. Or say, "I have been better". And share with those we know well enough to share with. I love how you share on this blog. And I would love to share with you 1:1. Whatever you need to share.

[Kathy Tagudin]

I love you, Judy. Please tell me the truth about how you are doing anytime. I promise, I will do the same. :)

[kathryn]

huh. I think I've learned to distinguish those who ask the question by rout, from those who’re asking and truly want to know the answer. For those who merely ask for the sake of form, I answer just as insincerly: Good. You?; ignoring their answer just as they ignore mine. I can only hope that my friends know I'm sincere when asking: How are you? Are you OK? (And, that they in turn, really do want my long, rambling, answer...)

[Cindy]

Yes, I like "Unbelievable", which I think is an appropriate response for any of us with Lyme....because, who would believe it, anyway???

[Saima]

I now answer this question with, "I'm well, thank you. How are you?" I work at The Salt Room and I go to school for Acupuncture so I'm often inclined to ask OTHER people how they are feeling - it's rare they beat me to it. When they do I am excited to let them know I'm feeling well. I've had people ask me how I'm doing after I had a seizure the night before in which case, the only way to respond to that is, "Well despite the setback of having a seizure last night and feeling pretty sore, disoriented and fatigued today, I'm good knowing I'll be feeling better by tomorrow."

When I ask how people are doing, it IS ONLY because I care and I remember my own battle answering that question truthfully/responsibly/vulnerably and so I give as much room as they might need to respond. I think as a result, people end up telling me a lot of what's on their mind - more than I think they initially expect. And then we're in the same world again - which is nice :)