Alton Brown's talking about yeast on Food Network. He's discussing pizza dough: how slow rise is better than fast, how yeast needs time to ferment. To help, he's adding malted barley. Words like gluten, gliadin, and crisp leap from his lips. I am drinking a green drink trying not to puke from the nystatin I just took on an empty stomach.
The phrase medically fatigued doesn't begin to express how I'm feeling right now. My mouth is on fire. Stomach pains plague me. My stool is yellow. My upper abdomen's distended.
Over the last week, I've been told a myriad of things from numerous doctors.
"Viruses aren't a problem...."
"Candida's not real...."
"Your system is over-reacting..."
"It can't be thrush..."
"It's not cancer..."
"The white rice in my stool (aka parasites) is probably just excess mucous..."
"You might have an ulcer..."
Yesterday, I was diagnosed with Glossodynia--otherwise known as Burning Mouth Syndrome. Research suggests it's a random thing. Depression, Menopause, Viral Infections, Nerve Damage, poor dental health, GERD, thrush, nutritional deficiencies, allergies to household chemicals--all get the credit.
I'm tackling the GERD/allergy/nutritional/thrush angle.
- Sodium Lauryl Sulfate-free toothpaste
- Alpha-Lipoic Acid
- Upping the greens
- Continued gluten-free, sugar-free diet
Testing with specialists is torture.
Me: I don't have an appetite.
Them: You're fat.
Me: I should be a bird for how little I eat.
Them (with a look of condemnation): Ka-theeee, it's simple mathematics...calories in/calories out.
My colonoscopy reveals melanosis (discoloration of the colon) making the conversations even more comical.
Them: Do you take laxatives?
Them (in a condescending tone): Ka-theeeeee, melanosis is only found in people who abuse laxatives.
Me (at least in my head): Well, I don't know what to tell you, doc. I'm not a liar and I'm hardly bulimic. Perhaps it's time to start upping the medical research.
The arrogance of the medical community is astounding. I've never considered being a doctor. Now, I can't stop thinking about it.
On the bright side, my neck and shoulder pain's subsiding. I'm sleeping better. I feel less sickly. I'm getting better at comforting myself.
"They don't know the whole story..."
"They're trying to help..."
"They only speak of what they know..."
"You're not crazy..."
I try to remember.
Mostly, I'm learning...who I am, who I want to be, who I don't want to be, how to listen, how to treat people, how to trust myself. Over and over and over and over again, I'm learning.