I can't write today. I have something to say, but I can't put it into words...something to do with illness, getting older, and reflections of the past year of my life.
I remember last year's birthday like it was yesterday. A few of my girlfriends had a slumber party. There was cake...chocolate cake. I was trying desperately to figure out what was happening with my health. I wouldn't eat it.
I remember standing in the kitchen, tears rolling down my face, wincing from pain, discussing the rashes that were covering my body.
I couldn't hide it; I thought I was dying.
They couldn't either; they were worried.
Marlene Dietrich once said, "It's the friends you can call up at 4 am that matter." These are my people.
Although we don't see each other often and don't talk much, they are always near in heart and spirit.
And today, rather than cakes or parties, all I can think about is their kindness.
I can't lie; it's been a hard year. The worst I've ever known in 41 years of living. Still, in many ways, it's been a gift--I've discovered who my friends are, I'm realizing what's important to me, AND, in some weird way, I'm learning who I am and who it is I want to be for people.
In the past, I would have told you, I'm not a great friend. I'm slow to return phone calls, forget birthdays, hate to shop, don't like small talk, and can be reclusive. Now, I see, although I may not always be around for the small stuff, you can count on me for the big stuff--and that's a quality I admire and value.
So today, on my 41st birthday, I just wanted to take a minute to thank all of my 4:00am friends for all of the love, wisdom, and support you continually offer. It's easy to love someone when they're funny, or happy, or inspiring...much harder when they're sick, crying, and in pain.
But, you know this.
I LOVE you. I honor you. And I thank you. One day, I promise, I will return the favor.
Altered Today: Appreciation (for myself and others)