It's 1:35. I'm at Labcorp...waiting to have blood drawn...tears streaming down my face. I'm not afraid of needles. I'm crying from frustration. Just before I left the house, I received ANOTHER denial from my Insurance Company refusing to pay for my last round of testing. What's THIS trip going to cost me?
To pass the time, I pick up my notebook. It's always in my purse....just haven't used it in a while. Slowly, I turn to a blank page...and scribble a few thoughts.
So tired of fighting
to be well
to be heard
to get what I need
It's easy to see how people become jaded in these circumstances.
Curiously, I flip to the front of the book. To my surprise, I find a note I wrote to myself last year....dated August 7, 2010. I knew I was sick at the time, but didn't know with what. I was having menstrual issues, thinking I miscarried, having lots of pain, gaining weight for no reason, losing my ability to work/function...doctors weren't listening.
I waited 'til 40 to try and have a baby. I wanted to be ready. I wanted to be healthy. Looking back now, I believe it was intuition. I knew SOMETHING was going on. I just couldn't put a finger on it.
Anyway, below were my thoughts. Today, for a minute, they brought me peace. Hope they can do the same for you.
August 7, 2010
I know you are worried about a lot right now.
You worry about losing your Mom & Dad, taking care of your sister, making Angel happy, and getting well. You worry about everyone and everything. That's your heart, full of worry.
I know, right now, it seems like something's HORRIBLY wrong with your health, but the truth is you don't know what's happening. Everything you are making up is a story.
You have lived through a lot of crazy stuff in your life: you've had friends you love die, seen people you trust lie, and, many times, nearly lost it all. Never forget, no matter what occurred, you were ALWAYS able to handle it, make something happen, and turn things around.
YOU finished college. YOU started a business. YOU created a relationship with Angel. YOU published a Rewards book. AND, if YOU choose to "make a family," you will do that too. It may not happen the way you think it will, in the time you expect, or how it should, but it WILL happen.
Leave the door open to be surprised, to create wonder, and dream dreams bigger than your heart can imagine. Don't let your disappointments put your light out or lessen your shine. You are worthy and love surrounds you always.
I love you...
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