Sometimes it's hard to know how much to say in a blog post. On the one hand, I have my thoughts, feelings, and experiences. On the other, I take responsibility...not only to share things, but to make sharing valuable.
When bad stuff happens, I want to talk about it. I want to tell you how bad and desperate and lonely it gets. At the same time, I don't want to complain. I don't want to whine. I don't want to open up a pile of yuck with my writing.
Here's what I don't want to say...
The last 24 hours have been horrible. Just gross (physically and mentally). I tried to do something to make a difference (ie: stop repeated harassment on a message board). Instead, I became a target of said harasser....the stopper of progress...the enemy....while everyone else (almost) stood idly by.
- Some nutso on the internet sent me nasty-grams.
- I left one of my favorite Lyme groups 'cause I couldn't stand the drama.
- I was called names and insulted by more than one person.
- I am seriously questioning several "friendships" I previously valued.
Publicly, I tried to stay calm. I stated my concern, didn't poke the bear, remained respectful, apologized to one person...whom I inadvertently offended...no less than 15 times. Privately, I'm disillusioned.
Can people even have a conversation anymore without mudslinging?
Has human respect and decency completely gone out the window?
Does the squeaky wheel always get the grease?
Why are people applauding me privately, but silent on line?
Has the whole world lost its head?
Logically, I know it's not personal. People are "upset" waiting to happen. We want someone to punish for our flat tires, messy finances, sad news, and painful disease. We're also easily confronted. No one wants to stand up to a bully or be the odd man out. We want to be liked.
I know this all too well...
It's not the end of the world. I get this. Life goes on. I'll find new true friends. People will come around. I'll get over it. In the meantime, it's hard.
Note to self (and maybe you):
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!
Altered Today: Clutching to Kipling