"A good day ain't got no rain. A bad day's when I lie in bed and I think of things that might have been."
-Simon & Garfunkel
I just got a pen out of my truck. It was sitting in my box of volunteer supplies--a reminder of my old self; the one who led classes, spoke in public, and contributed to the world. By my cup holder, another item--a name tag that's officially dusty. "Introduction Leader" it says...something I no longer am. It's been almost a year.
I'm not sure how long one should take to dispose of such things, but I'm pretty sure 12 months is close. For a minute, I feel like the person holding on to the belongings of a deceased loved one, clinging to what's left rather than creating something new.
Things have changed. I can't deny it. And, if I could, just gripping a pen and writing three sentences on a napkin snaps me back to reality. Time to let go of notions:
- about life
- about healing
- that "I" will ever be the "me" I once knew
It's not a bad thing. After all, the struggle makes the butterfly. Still, the search is dislocating. Like Alice in Alice in Wonderland...
Caterpillar: Who are YOU?
Alice: I--I hardly know, sir, just at present-- at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.
Caterpillar: What do you mean by that? Explain yourself!
Alice: I can't explain MYSELF, I'm afraid, sir, because I'm not myself, you see.
Caterpillar: I don't see.
Alice: I'm afraid I can't put it more clearly, for I can't understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.
Caterpillar: It isn't.
Alice: Well, perhaps you haven't found it so yet, but when you have to turn into a chrysalis--you will some day, you know--and then after that into a butterfly, I should think you'll feel it a little queer, won't you?
Caterpillar: Not a bit.
Alice: Well, perhaps your feelings may be different, all I know is, it would feel very queer to ME.
Caterpillar: You! Who are YOU?