Lately, I've been thinking a lot about choices:
-How I choose to respond to illness
-How I choose to approach obstacles
-What I choose to make of my life now that so much of it seems out of my control
Sometimes, just remembering I have a choice seems impossible (It's easier to get swept up in fear, sadness, or pain). Other times, I confuse having a choice with liking the options or being positive (ie: If I choose to accept illness does that mean I agree with it? If I choose to cry today is that less valuable than choosing to smile?).
For example, one of the things I have been really been struggling with lately is friendships. Before getting sick, I was a pretty busy person. I volunteered a lot, talked to people intermittently by phone or text, ran a business, saw friends once a month or every few months, and relished LOW MAINTENANCE relationships (ie: people who understood that I loved them even if we didn't speak or I forgot their birthday).
NOW, 10 months later, things are different. I am home almost 24 hours a day. I don't volunteer. I don't work. I feel like crap. I crave meaningful interaction. And when people don't call, don't follow my blog, don't comment on Facebook, or don't check in on me, I immediately jump to one conclusion: they don't care.
Isn't it Ironic ???
Funny thing is... I am the one who changed. My friends are just sticking to the plan..."call if you need me." Even funnier, somewhere along the way, I completely forgot I have a choice (actually several).
Choice #1 -- I can pretend people don't love me, they never loved me, and I no longer matter (very disempowering).
Choice #2 -- I can believe people are giving me space. They are going through something themselves. It's hard for them to see me like this. They don't get it. They're busy. They are confronted by their own mortality.
Choice #3 -- I can get off my butt, give people a call, or invite them over (although if they don't call back or come that will probably lead me to option 1, 2, or 5).
Choice #4 -- I can be grateful for the time we spent together, accept that we are in different phases of life, and move on.
Choice #5 -- I can be angry -- really angry.
For now, I am not sure it matters what option I choose. But remembering I have options? Now that makes a difference.
Altered Today: Power, Perspective, and Peace of Mind