Yesterday I realized something interesting: I don't know who I am anymore. It's strange, really. I mean, I look like me. I sound like me. I even think like me. But it's some Bizarro version of me....one filled with coconut oil, parasites, and Kale leaves.
The day started strong...a shower, hair washing, enthusiasm, but dwindled the minute my foot hit the accelerator.
"Where should I go?" I thought, as I traveled down Fairbanks.
Surprisingly, I had no answer.
Everything I used to enjoy...tea and bread at the bakery, walking by the water, playing cards, reading, crafting, going to theme parks...no longer matters. In one way, it's comforting. I mean, at least I am no longer crying because I can't eat a bagel, use a hole puncher, or walk around Disney. In another way, it's disconcerting. Nothing excites me anymore: not books, not movies, not food, not friends, not fun. NOTHING -- which means I've got this big empty space in front of me and no energy to fill it.
I'm sure it's not healthy. I am sure some Psychiatrist would have something to say about loss of interest, detachment, and depression. But really, when you need a four hour nap to recover from a 1.5 hour excursion, how much fun can you actually have?
Hopefully, it's just a phase -- one that will end soon.
I've been through several of them now:
-Insomnia pacing Walgreens at 4 am phase
-I must be crazy phase
-Focus on something else phase
-Gotta fix it phase
-Nobody cares phase
-Look on the bright side phase
Maybe this is just the Nothing Matters but My Health phase. If it isn't, I'm declaring that it is. Sooo much better than alternative. Don't cha think???
Altered Today: MRI scheduled, another 4 hour nap, thoughts about creating a Bizarro Lyme World cartoon.
PS Thank you Saima and Lisa for the love and big box of sweet, gluten free goodies. They look great and Angel has been eating the heck out of them. FYI Regular Kathy would LOVE eating them too, but Bizarro Kathy chews almond butter and apples for fun. Sooo strange...I don't even have the impulse to cheat (or maybe I do, but she won't let me). Regardless, I appreciate the effort...and you. XOXOX