Enshrine - Mindfulness Painting by Janelle Schneider
"Why does having a diagnosis matter?" That's one of the thoughts floating around in my head today. When I woke up this morning, I thought I was done crying/feeling sorry for myself. Then, the minute I heard my friend's voice, I just started bawling. I couldn't keep it in.
In hopes of altering something, I took a copy of the book Suffering is Optional to the sauna. Although I am not Buddhist, I have always been drawn to their philosophy...how they deal with conflict and upset. There's a lot to be said for honoring and accepting your experience; a thing I am definitely not excelling at lately.
According to Buddhists, only a few things cause suffering:
-Not getting what you want
-Not wanting what you get
-Being separated from those and that we love
-Being forced to tolerate those and that we don't love
In a nutshell: Wanting things to be different than the way they are (Illness has definitely got me covered with that).
-I wanted to test positive so I could define what I'm dealing with: to be validated, to be treated, to move on.
-I didn't want a negative result because it brings up more _____: problems, tests, insurance headaches, $$ down the drain, uncertainty.
-I miss what used to define me: volunteering, work, friends, food.
-I hate the routine that's now my life: being home, pain, fatigue, pills/protein/vegetables.
My monkey-mind keeps screaming:
"It shouldn't be this way."
"I should be better by now."
"It should be easier."
"They should know what's wrong with me."
"I can't keep going like this."
My realistic side argues:
"Why shouldn't it be this way?"
"Who said it would be easy?"
"Why should you be better by now?"
"What if you never find out what's wrong with you?"
"What are you going to do, kill yourself?"
Yes, I am definitely resisting.
I don't have answers for it. I just know I want to fix it; which probably isn't helping. So, for now, I am choosing to be gentle with myself and focus on the moment.
I am here.
I am breathing.
I am sipping lemon balm tea.
I am experiencing pain.
I am alive.
I am beginning to accept...
Altered Today: 1st dose of Doxy, being mindful.