The other day, I wrote about hiding my talents. Today, I realized, I've been hiding other stuff as well. For months, I've been out of touch with dear friends...and those who probably would be dear friends if I ever bothered to talk to them. Even family members have been excluded from much of my life. What I am I avoiding? Well, what I don't want you to know is how much I have been struggling: with my health, my feelings about my health, and my life.
In a nutshell, since August, I've been dealing with chronic health issues. It started with what I believe to be a miscarraige, turned into chronic low grade fevers and infections, and now has manifested into a slew of other strange symptoms: weird rashes that won't go away, horrible migranes, muscle aches, pain in my throat and my stomach, joint pains, a cold/menthol feeling in my stomach, and fatigue. I have been to four doctors (a couple of them several times). Two of them treated me like I was crazy. One of them helped with the symptoms, but had no answers. The current one is doing ongoing testing as we speak.
As I spoke with an old friend today, I realized how much I 've been holding it all in. How even the posts on this blog...something I created to help with my healing process...are only telling half of the story. The truth?
I am scared too death that something is horribly wrong with me. I am scared too death to say I think something is horribly wrong with me. I am scared too death that I will never feel better again. I am scared too death that there is no answer.
Right now, life feels very uncertain and upsetting. I don't want to call you because I don't want you to know all of this. I don't want you to worry. And I'm not sure you'll even care.
I don't want to write about this because I'm not sure it's smart for privacy reasons. What if I need a job and they research me? What if insurance limits pre-existing conditions? What if a client reads this? Blah, blah, blah.
When you look at the root of my secrecy, there's one major contributing factor: fear. Fear of what you will think. Fear of what will happen if I tell. Fear of if I say it, it will make it more (or less) real. Fear that this (or I) don't even matter to you. Fear that I am actually losing my mind.
So, just for today, I am putting aside the fear, opening up, and letting it out. The truth? Something is going on with my health. We don't know what it is and we are looking.
Altered Today: Vulnerability, sharing myself